New City, New Foods

A review of some of the many new products I've tried since moving to New York:

• Banana Snapple: Surprisingly not so good. I love snapple, and I love banana flavored anything, so I thought this would be the perfect drink after I walked four miles to get back home last week (It was better than taking the rush hour subway). It tasted like watered down milk, though. Conclusion: Banana drinks are better left to the milk-based variety.
• Pretzel M&Ms: Surprisingly good. I had heard these tasted like malt candies, but not at all. I grew up on chocolate covered pretzels, and these are a brightly colored version of that. One complaint, because there always has to be at least one, is that there wasn't really enough salt for my liking. I'd suggest using a coarser type of salt.
• Vegan and Kosher prepackaged "chicken" sandwiches from the organic market down the street: Delicious, though I wonder if vegans haven't had meat for so long that they mislabled the sandwich. It tasted much more like turkey than like chicken.

I really have never eaten as much junk food as I am right now. Perhaps it's because of the stress of law school, or perhaps it's emotional eating, but whatever the reason, these junk food manufacturers need to stop making new varieties of food, because I need to stop eating them!

7 Days of Lonely

I pretty much love this song, The Seven Days of Lonely by I Nine.

I wonder, though, if I would love it so much if I didn't spend my first 3 weeks in New York crying.

My boyfriend and I had a conversation last week about whether or not we wanted to stay together while I am in New York and he is in DC. I've had my doubts about this relationship for a while, but this conversation really pushed me over the edge. I said I would only be able to do long distance if I knew there would be a definite end, i.e., when he graduates next May he would move to where I am. He said, he hopes that would happen, but he will always put school first, and if he gets into a better grad school somewhere outside of New York, he would go there.

I understand that, but frankly, it makes me doubt how serious he is about this relationship. I agreed to stay together for now, but honestly, I think I just agreed because I didn't want to lose him at this critical point in my life where I am so fragile that I need him to keep me from falling apart.

And now, back to the song. "I wish that you could hold me/through the seven days of lonely". It's a bit longer than seven days. I'd say about 3 weeks, judging from how long it took me to stop crying myself to sleep every night. I realize that I did not actually go through such a break up as described in the song, but I also realize that my "breakup" with DC is a lot less painful than a break up with a boyfriend, and so, it will actually be much longer than three weeks.

People Actually Like New York?

I think people like their friends. If your friends happen to be in New York, there could be no happier place on earth. If, however, you happen to be a law student who moved to "The City" for the loads of educational and professional opportunities it affords, and in doing so left behind all of your close friends and your boyfriend in Washington, DC., it's not so great.

Here are some more not so great things about New York:

-It smells like garbage constantly. I think everyday of the week must be garbage pick-up day on my block.

-The water tastes like spit. I have yet to invest in a Brita, but I've decided it's necessary.

-Food is at-least 33% more expensive here. The fact that the average income is higher is of no help to someone paying her way through student loans.

-Walking up several flights of steps on Shabbat is almost a given. I happen to be lucky and live on the 4th floor, the apartment where I ate friday night dinner, however, was on the 9th floor.

-I need to invest in a whole new wardrobe. I knew I was going to have to buy some professional pieces for law school, however, I did not realize I would have to buy what essentially amounts to wedding attire to wear on Shabbat.

-Heels are everyday shoes, flats are lounging around the apartment shoes.

-For some reason, my hair died almost immediately after moving here. I think it's a depiction of my morale.

The Annotated Vitamin C "Graduation" Song

I know, this is SO 8th grade. (Actually, it was probably nerdy in 8th grade, too!) But, I've been singing this song in my head for the past week, so I figured this would help me get rid of it, or at least, help me push off my physics homework.

Graduation

Vitamin C

And so we talked all night about the rest of our lives
Where we're gonna be when we turn 25
Not just last night. This is a constant conversation we have daily.

I keep thinking times will never change
Keep on thinking things will always be the same
So true, so true. I keep saying to my roomates, next semester I want to take this class, and next semester I want to start doing..oh. right. there will be no next semester.

But when we leave this year we won't be coming back
No more hanging out cause we're on a different track
Yeah, apparently people in their first year of law school don't hang out so often?

And if you got something that you need to say
You better say it right now cause you don't have another day
In the comments section, perhaps. Though this blog should still be around for a while.

Cause we're moving on and we can't slow down
These memories are playing like a film without sound
ok, this is just cheese. nothing more.

And I keep thinking of that night in June
I didn't know much of love

But it came too soon
It was March. But yeah, that.

And there was me and you
And then we got real blue
Stay at home talking on the telephone
That's pretty much been my last two winter and summer breaks.

And we would get so excited and we'd get so scared
Laughing at ourselves thinking life's not fair
I really, really want to start law school. But I'm terrified of leaving everyone I know. Especially a very special someone.

And this is how it feels

As we go on
We remember
All the times we
Had together
Constantly. Also, facebook helps with that.
And as our lives change
From whatever
We will still be
Friends Forever
Will we? I suck at keeping in touch, so does he.

So if we get the big jobs
And we make the big money
That's what I'm going to law school for, right?

When we look back now
Will our jokes still be funny?
Some will. Some never, ever, were.

Will we still remember everything we learned in school?
Not a chance. I dare you to ask me about anything I learned in Meteorology sophomore year. All I remember is the sudokus I did during lecture.

Still be trying to break every single rule
Yes, but the stakes will be higher when you break rules as a lawyer or judge.

Will little brainy Bobby be the stockbroker man?
Can Heather find a job that won't interfere with her tan?
Last week, I played the board game LIFE with my friends. Let me tell you, it's not as fun when the things in the game are happening to you. I know a guy who will be a stockbroker, and I know a girl looking for a job on a beach. These are real people. It's scary.

I keep, keep thinking that it's not goodbye
That's what facebook is for, right?
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly
Well, that's not something I learned to do in college. Though I do want to go skydiving soon.
And this is how it feels
Free-fallin'...oh, right. that's a different song. We'll do that one soon.
[Repeat 1]

La, la, la, la:
Yeah, yeah, yeah
La, la, la, la:
We will still be friends forever
lalalalalalalalala....i'm not listening....lalalalalalalalala....don't tell me about real life...lalalalalalala

Will we think about tomorrow like we think about now?
being that we don't think now
Can we survive it out there?
Can we make it somehow?
Nope. I will live in a box. Or marry rich. Whichever.
I guess I thought that this would never end
And, that's what gradschool is for.
And suddenly it's like we're women and men
WTF? I have body parts?
Will the past be a shadow that will follow us 'round?
Will these memories fade when I leave this town
And again, facebook.
I keep, keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly
I really should sign up for skydiving.

Feminism: The Chaning Names for Marriage Post

I had a discussion today with some people, about 4 women and 3 men, about name changing. Long story short, 2 of the people in the group were dating each other, and got into their first argument over the issue. He adamantly hoped his wife would take on his name, she adamantly hoped her husband would not assume she would change her name. Interestingly, of the other 3 women at the table, all agreed that a woman shouldn't be forced to change her name, nor should it be assumed she would. Of the men, this guy and one other agreed that women should ideally change their names, and the third guy said he didn't assume his fiance will change her name (he is engaged to a very feminist woman, he's pretty feminist himself) but acknowledged he's probably in the minority among men.

One of the people said to me that this was indicative of a larger societal issue. I agree. It was so interesting to me to see the disconnect between the girls and the guys. I would guess that a majority of women have atleast considered whether or not to change their names when they get married, and much much fewer men have considered the issue.

I have a very simple solution to the societal issue. Women: refuse to date/marry men who don't want to acknowledge both of your heritages in your marriage.

We can change the way society views hyphenated names by ostracizing those who disagree with us. If this is an issue that many, many, women care about, and it involves marriage, it inherently involves many, many men, too. We can change them. I don't say that lightly. I know there will be men to whom hyphenating their name is an utterly despicable idea, and there are women who agree with those men. Good. Marry each other. But for the majority of women who are uncomfortable with a male-dominated marriage, and for the majority of men who are also uncomfortable with that, but won't admit it because of how they'd be viewed by society, force a change. It's simple, easy, and achievable. It can happen quickly.

Women, it's up to you. This is one place in feminism where the power to change is in the women's hands. Take advantage of that!

When Humanities Majors Take Science Courses

This, a direct quote from my physics textbook:

"If neon tubes appeal to you for illumination, you probably march to your own drummer. Most people opt for a somewhat better simulation of sunlight in their discharge lamps. As an energy-efficient source of artificial sunlignt, it's hard to beat fluorescent lamps."

The previous section talks about how neon tubes work, while the subsequent section talks about how fluorescent lights work. For some reason, the editors of this textbook decided to insert their own opinions into a compilation of facts. Come on, guys. You're scientists, you know you're supposed to avoid bias and insulting readers. This is unprofessionalism at it's best, or worst, as the case may be.

On Feminism and Date Rape

I used to be a rape apologist, as some would call it. I never really bought into the argument that "just because I'm wearing a mini-skirt and grinding with you doesn't mean I don't want any from you". I agreed with this person's view on date rape. Read the article, but if you don't, this quote just about sums it up:

Let’s get this straight: any woman who heads to an EI party as an anonymous onlooker, drinks five cups of the jungle juice, and walks back to a boy’s room with him is indicating that she wants sex, OK? To cry “date rape” after you sober up the next morning and regret the incident is the equivalent of pulling a gun to someone’s head and then later claiming that you didn’t ever actually intend to pull the trigger.

I recently went to an event at my college about sexual assault. There was a poster there which said, " 'yes, yes, yes, oh God, yes!' means yes. Prevent rape by waiting for enthusiastic consent". I'm still not sure whether I agree with that one. I mean, there's been movies that I wasn't sure that I wanted to see that my boyfriend convinced me to see. Does that me he coerced me into seeing it? Did he "rape" my movie-choosing? No, he convinced me to see it. Same with sex. Sometimes one partner is unsure of how much they want. Simple, non-forceful convincing is part of the give and take of a relationship.

At the event, a girl spoke about her rape and made me think about it in a totally different way. She said she was raped at a frat party, after going back with a guy whom she'd been dancing with the whole night. She said to the crowd "Maybe I was looking for SOMETHING, but not EVERYTHING. My dress does not excuse his behavior."

Right. I sometimes forget about limits. The hard part is being able to communicate what the limits are, often because I myself don't know what I want. Did this girl at the party have limits? Apparently. Did she communicate her limits to the guy she was with? Possibly. Should potential sex partners have to wait until their partner is begging them to have sex? Probably not. Where is the limit. Should one have to sign a consent form for sex? The lawyer in me wants to say yes, but the realist in me says no way.

Additionally, feminists will probably shun me for saying this, but I have certainly fallen privy to the game of saying "I'm fine" when in reality I mean "I'm not fine, but I don't want to just come right out and say it, because I want you to press me to tell you whats really going on". I like this. I like the fact that he begs me to open up to him. I like the fact that he reinforces how much he wants to know what I'm thinking and feeling. I don't WANT to tell him straight away.

If men aren't allowed to claim yes means no with regards to sex, can women claim that yes means no in regards to emotions? Can we really allow ourselves to force our boyfriends to press us to tell them why we're upset, if they can't then press us into having sex with them? Frankly, I'm not ready to give up the cat-and-mouse game of emotional jenga. And if that means playing cat-and-mouse sex, okay.

I Enjoy Being a Girl, but...

Here are some reasons why being a man is so much easier:

-If you don't wear makeup, no one's gonna say anything or look at you strangely or think of you as unprofessional. Same thing with hair styling. Seriously, I want just ONE wake up and go day that I don't end up regretting later. Just one, please!!

-You don't end up crying for hours for no explainable reason except that, well, your internal hormones are just doing their thing.

-2 outfits. That's all you ever really need. Maybe 3 or 4 if you're super stylish. Think of all that saved closet space.

-If you wear tight, uncomfortable, constricting clothing and shoes that result in long term joint and muscle pain, you're crazy, not fashionable.

-Pockets in every garment.

-You don't get pints of blood pouring out of you monthly, potentially ruining both clothing and a sexy evening.

-Less work, more money. Also, less money spent on styling products and clothing.

Tearing Up Myself

There are some aspects about my relationship which I keep private. I do this in order to maintain the trust between my boyfriend and I. If something is shared between the two of us, we both need to know that it will stay only between the two of us.

I failed last Saturday night. Friends and I had gone out for a friend's birthday, and got pretty drunk (almost every bar we went to gave us a free round. It was epic). We were all joking and laughing and talking about relationships, and I let one of his secrets slip. I feel absolutely terrible about it. I tried to quickly cover it up, and turn the conversation in another direction, but it was still too late. My friends had all heard what I said.

I can't go into too much detail about the incident on this blog, obviously, but suffice it to say that the drunken secret spilling has been tearing at me since it happened. I won't tell him I told them, since that would just make things worse. I can't talk to my friends about it, since I don't want to remind them of what I said. So, world, I am telling you:

I AM AN AWFUL GIRLFRIEND BECAUSE I BETRAY TRUST AND TELL OTHER PEOPLE'S SECRETS. I OFFICIALLY SUCK. THE END.

Someone's Even Lazier Than Me

This video is kinda hilarious, in a sad sort of way.

Really, the homeowner was surprised that the home smelled like it could have been a meth lab when she hadn't been inside for 20 years? That's just irresponsible.

Internal Contradictions

Imagine this scenario:

You are person that keeps kosher, strictly. You join a volunteer organization which ships you out to various developing countries to help build up their community. When you get to the particular village that you will be living and working in, you are greeted by the entire village. They have thrown you a welcome party, complete with a roasted goat. This goat is one of only 10 goats they have in the village, but the slaughtered it to honor your arrival. They give you a plate, and ask that you take the first bite. What do you do?

My first reaction was that I would have to give up my kashrut standards for the sake of cultural sensitivity.

My friend, who is joining the Peace Corps and was asked this question on her interview, responded by saying she would first thank them for hosting the party, say how honored she was by all this, thank them for their generosity, and explain to them that just as they have things they do as part of their worship of God, she too has things she does for God, one of which is not eating goats, and to ask the village to please enjoy the goat for her.

I was ashamed that I didn't react that way. I WISH that religion was more important to me. I wish I could be more steadfast in my attachment to observance. But then, there's this post, which I still agree with. I would not, and would not WANT to, sacrifice my child if God told me to. I would not commit murder, rape, or assault simply for the sake of religious fervor.

I have always felt that my external moral beliefs (which may very well have been shaped by my religious beliefs) will always trump my religious beliefs. I don't WANT that to change.

And now I am confused. Why do I feel bad that I would put my cultural sensitivity in front of my religious behavior if that is, after all, how I want to live my life? Is kashrut an external moral belief? I don't think so. Why, then, is it so important to me?

Hi, My Name is Beverly, and I'm a Coffaholic.

I know I just posted, but I'm posting again for 3 reasons.

1. I just wrote about hate. I feel morally obligated to balance it out with something I love.
2. I haven't posted for 2 weeks before today.
3. Coffee Trumps Everything. Period.

I have a coffee addiction. Actually. It's not the caffeine I'm addicted to, its the coffee itself. I don't crave coffee because I'll get headaches if I don't have it, it's because I tend to drink coffee when I want to get relaxed, and it has become my comfort drink. Before I have a panic attack, I'll drink a cup of coffee and usually the panic wanes. It works even better if I buy the coffee at an overpriced coffee bar.

I have a number of reservations about moving to New York City next year, but now I have atleast one reason to look forward to it:

New Yorkers, apparently, take their coffee seriously.

Hate is a Strong Word...

...but I really, really, really, don't like these things:

*When I call the mechanic to make an appointment for my car, ask for a certain time, he asks if we could make it half an hour earlier, and I say that will be a stretch for me to make it, but I'll try to get there on time. Then, when I arrive half an hour late (the time I WANTED to make the appointment for originally), no other clients are there and they are more than happy to take me. WHY couldn't you just schedule me in at this time to begin with??

*Parking garages that say "visitor parking straight ahead" but actually only have 30 min. parking meters for visitors. What if I have an hour an a half long class? I can't possibly leave class twice to feed the meters.

*Drivers who take 45 seconds to realize the red light has turned green.

*Students who don't look where they are walking, walk into the middle of traffic, then give the finger to cars who almost hit them.

*People saying they will do something then not doing it. I will not elaborate on this, but it's happened to me several times recently.

*7-11 coffee.

Shomer Negiya

As if the past year hasn't given me enough reason to reject the concept that shomer negiya makes a relationship stronger (our worst times were when we were apart from each other), this article proves it from a scientific standpoint.

Promiscuous Girl

A recent conversation with a good friend who is, shall we say, much more conservative than I:

Me: I'm moving to New York, and trying to figure out what neighborhood to live in. Where do you live, again?

Friend: Washington Heights

Me: Do you like it?

Friend: It's a great community of singles and young married couples, I have fun here, I don't particularly like my roommates but that's okay, our lease ends in May and I'm looking for a new apartment. Hey, do you need a roommate?

Me: Actually, yes. But I should tell you something. I have a boyfriend who live a couple hours away from NY, he'll be visiting every so often and I'd want him to stay with me. I don't know if you're okay with that, but I just wanted to put everything out in the air.

Friend: Well, I think you know how I feel about that [I do, she would feel extremely uncomfortable]. But, you can always look for someone else who is comfortable with it, and if not, you can try to find a small one bedroom place and just live by yourself.

Me: Well, if everyone there is going to disapprove of my lifestyle, I'm not sure I want to live there.

And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. My beef with the Orthodox community. Or atleast, one of many beefs with it.

Side note: Was that correct usage of the term "beef"?

Bad Rhymes #2 and #3

Why, why, why must Beyonce ruin such a great, empowering song by rhyming "minute" with itself?

"I could have another you in a minute/ matter o'fact he'll be here in a minute"

Ouch. That Hurts.

It's almost as bad as when The Steve Miller Band rhymed "Texas" with "The facts is".

Marriage, for the bazillionth time

I'm in the middle of reading Trouble, by Kate Christensen and Committed, by Elizabeth Gilbert. Both are about divorced women trying to make peace with marriage. In "Trouble", a woman decides to leave her husband after many years because, well, there's just no more passion left.

My first response was that this is a completely different mindset than the one I've grown up with. This woman seemed to be immature and selfish. I'm all for divorce if there's a necessary reason: abuse, arguing, unhealthy behaviors, etc. But lack of passion? Come on, tough it out. Don't do that to your husband or your daughter.

However, I've recently started to wonder if my views on this are archaic. Perhaps marriage should be about mutual benefit, and if one partner doesn't feel the benefit, they should leave. Perhaps having 3 or 4 divorces should become the norm. Maybe it's just a social stigma that should be done away with.

What's the purpose of marraige anyway? To provide a lifetime of commitment to each other? What happens when you no longer want to be committed. You fall out of love. Should you have to suffer the rest of your life because, well, you made a promise on your wedding day?

In Judaism, in order get divorced, the man must hand the women a bill of divorce. There is no way for the woman to get divorced if the man does not wish to do so. This has resulted in some women being "chained" into abusive, unhealthy marriages and unable to remarry. Many solutions have been proposed for this problem, and one idea is to simply not get married.

Is marriage becoming a thing of the past?

Am I Really That Old?

Today, my professor said "Does anybody here know what Y2K was?". I thought he was kidding, but the response of the class seemed to indicate that they only knew about Y2K by hearing about it from others. One guy raised his hand and said, "Wasn't it that time right before the year 2000, when everyone thought the world was going to explode because computers weren't equipped to handle the new date changes?"

Most of the students in this class were freshmen. They were 8 years old when Y2K happened. I suppose that there is a difference between the way a 12 year old sees the world (which is how old I was during the Y2K scare) and the way an 8 year old sees things, but I didn't think it would be that different. I didn't think they wouldn't remember something that people were worrying about for months over. I guess I was wrong, I guess 8 year olds are just more naive than I realized.

Self Esteem

As I mentioned in a previous post, I have extremely low self esteem. In the past, this has prevented me from applying to schools, jobs, and internships which I felt were a reach, out of fear that I wouldn't be able to handle (possible) rejection. It's also impacted the way I approach relationships, but that's a post for a different time.

When I started applying to law schools, I figured this would be a good time to work on this aspect of myself, and I applied to several schools that were "reach" schools . I have heard back from a number of the schools I have applied to, and almost all of the responses were positive. However, there are two schools that are at the top of my list of ideal schools. One I haven't heard from yet. The other one I got waitlisted for. I found out today.

In a way, I expected this. Writing application essays was awful. As I was trying to convince the schools that I was their ideal candidate, that I was smart and ambitious and all around awesome, my insides were screaming, "NO YOU'RE NOT. YOU'RE LAZY AND STUPID AND THE WORSE CANDIDATE FOR LAW SCHOOL EVER". I've really been trying to separate my emotions from rationality, but this is not making things easier.

My mom, forever the optimist, responded to my text of "waitlisted for [school a] :(" with "that's excellent, when do u hear back?". It took me a while to figure out her response wasn't an insult. I guess I should have her confidence, but I just don't. I equate getting waitlisted for schools with rejection. Similarly, when I got into a few schools but without getting a scholarship offer, I was upset. Acceptances should be cause for celebration, but I'm always looking at the negative.

I really need to work on this confidence thing. I guess I've been convinced that avoiding any risk of rejection is not the way to go, but I'm not loving the alternative.

Confusion

My boyfriend suffers from depression.

Does this mean I should suffer with him?

I suffer from low self esteem, and I am acutely aware of this.

I keep thinking I need to end this. I think, why should I be stuck in a relationship where my partner doesn't want to do things with me, doesn't make an effort to see me, doesn't understand why all this upsets me.

And then I think, but if I break things off, I will be alone. I like thinking that I have someone to confide in, someone to share things with, someone to turn to when I'm upset.

And then I think, I'm that person for him. I'm who he turns to when he's upset, when he's depressed. And is it fair for me to not be there for him if I want him to be there for me?

And then I think, if I break things off, he'll get more upset and more depressed, and now is not the time to do that to him.

But maybe now is the time to do that. Maybe I shouldn't wait until he is happy, because then I will be set him into ANOTHER bout of depression.

I love him. I think he loves me, but he never tells me unless I say it first.

He makes me laugh. When he's not depressed, I can make him laugh.

We enjoy the same forms of entertainment, though lately we haven't been doing much of anything.

I will only persue a relationship that I think has long term potential. Does this?

I love him.