Facebook Enables Insecurity

Girls like to over-analyze. So do bloggers. Therefore, I can feel justified in falling into multiple stereotypes as I write the following.

Today, I noticed that despite the fact that my boyfriend and I currently live 4 hours away from each other and only have the chance to get together once a week at best, approximately 50% of the pictures tagged of me on facebook from this past year have him in it. That's grossly disproportional to the amount of time that I spend with him.

Why so many pictures of us together?

I recently read an article which reported on a study that found that people are happier with their relationship when they see pictures of them with their significant other. So perhaps that's it.

Another thought hit me tonight. I am going kayaking with him tommorow. While thinking about what to pack, I debated bringing a camera. Pros-kayaking pics are awesome. Cons-digital cameras are expensive to replace if damaged by water. Clearly the cons outweighed the pros on this. But I REALLY wanted to bring it. Why?? I have gone on a number of fun outings this summer with friends (strawberry picking, fourth of july fireworks, outdoor movie on the waterfront) where I felt no need to take pictures. But for some reason, outings with my boyfriend seem to necessitate picture taking.

Furthermore, what is my purpose in taking the pictures? Are they for me or for my friends? I certainly feel more of a push to publish my boyfriend pictures online than my friend pictures.

Could it be that I need to project how cute of a couple we are to the world? Am I that insecure with our relationship, that I need other people to see how happy we are? Do I need a reminder that my relationship is a happy one? Why isn't the knowledge that I did those things enough?

Am I so insecure in my relationship that I have to validate it by posting tons of pictures of me and my boyfriend? Have I really become THAT girl?

Living Together Via Skype

Oy. It's been a while. Too long, too long...

It's been so long that this post will seem to be wholly out of place. When we, ehrm, I, last spoke, I was considering breaking up with the boyfriend. Very long story short, we broke up, realized we really didn't want to be without each other, and got back together. What did we decide about the future? Not really so much. We will cross that bridge when we get there, and I'm sure you all will hear all about it.

The current issue. We make up for the fact that we can't be physically together by skyping. All the time. I get home from school, tired and hungry, and the first thing I do is skype call him. We talk for a bit, then we proceed to make dinner "together". It's cute. We talk while we make dinner, we talk while we eat dinner, we talk while we clean up from dinner. Then, if we have school work to do, we'll do it while keeping skype on in the background. After schoolwork, if it's not too late, we'll usually play some sort of online interactive game like Scrabble or Settlers of Catan. Then it's off to bed, often times with Skype still running. If we're lucky and the connection wasn't lost during the night, we'll wake up with each other in plain virtual view and start the day all over again.

I think you can easily see the problem with this. I love him, but I have absolutely no me-time. I can't veg out on the couch and watch T.V. because I feel guilty for not being with him. I wanted to write in my journal the other day, so I told him I was going to take a shower. When I told him that I wanted to call an old friend to catch up, he asked if I could keep skype on when I called her. He just couldn't understand that even though I wasn't going to be saying anything about him, I didn't want him listening to everything I was saying to her. Her business is private, if she chooses to discuss something with me, that doesn't automatically mean she wants to disclose it to him as well.

Let me be clear, he is in no way controlling about this. In all of these situations I would have been able to do what I wanted without him, he just requests that I don't. If I say no, he's completely fine with it, it's just not his first choice.

I feel like I'm living together with him, 300 miles away. In many ways, it's worse than living together, because I wouldn't feel so bad about watching a T.V. show while he surfs the internet looking up sports stats, I could go in another room to make private phone calls, and I could journal write in bed, before I go to sleep, with him laying right next to me.

I realize that many couples who live together face similar issues. However, they're often able to justify the problems they encounter by saying that getting to be with the person 24/7 is worth it. I don't get to be with him 24/7. I get to be with a computer screen that looks and sounds like him, but can't provide me with any of the physical comforts that he can.

Thinking about all this makes me wonder how I will be with living with a significant other, in marriage or otherwise. Will I be able to give up my me-time? Will I be able to tolerate him croaching in on my zone. Will I get sick of him? I love my current roommates, but I often feel like I need to take a break from them. Will I feel the same way with him? Is this normal and healthy? Will he understand this need? And furthermore, why doesn't HE feel the same way? Why doesn't constantly being with me bother him? Is that a good thing?

Sometimes I think I'm ready for marriage. Then I think about this post.

7 Days of Lonely

I pretty much love this song, The Seven Days of Lonely by I Nine.

I wonder, though, if I would love it so much if I didn't spend my first 3 weeks in New York crying.

My boyfriend and I had a conversation last week about whether or not we wanted to stay together while I am in New York and he is in DC. I've had my doubts about this relationship for a while, but this conversation really pushed me over the edge. I said I would only be able to do long distance if I knew there would be a definite end, i.e., when he graduates next May he would move to where I am. He said, he hopes that would happen, but he will always put school first, and if he gets into a better grad school somewhere outside of New York, he would go there.

I understand that, but frankly, it makes me doubt how serious he is about this relationship. I agreed to stay together for now, but honestly, I think I just agreed because I didn't want to lose him at this critical point in my life where I am so fragile that I need him to keep me from falling apart.

And now, back to the song. "I wish that you could hold me/through the seven days of lonely". It's a bit longer than seven days. I'd say about 3 weeks, judging from how long it took me to stop crying myself to sleep every night. I realize that I did not actually go through such a break up as described in the song, but I also realize that my "breakup" with DC is a lot less painful than a break up with a boyfriend, and so, it will actually be much longer than three weeks.

On Feminism and Date Rape

I used to be a rape apologist, as some would call it. I never really bought into the argument that "just because I'm wearing a mini-skirt and grinding with you doesn't mean I don't want any from you". I agreed with this person's view on date rape. Read the article, but if you don't, this quote just about sums it up:

Let’s get this straight: any woman who heads to an EI party as an anonymous onlooker, drinks five cups of the jungle juice, and walks back to a boy’s room with him is indicating that she wants sex, OK? To cry “date rape” after you sober up the next morning and regret the incident is the equivalent of pulling a gun to someone’s head and then later claiming that you didn’t ever actually intend to pull the trigger.

I recently went to an event at my college about sexual assault. There was a poster there which said, " 'yes, yes, yes, oh God, yes!' means yes. Prevent rape by waiting for enthusiastic consent". I'm still not sure whether I agree with that one. I mean, there's been movies that I wasn't sure that I wanted to see that my boyfriend convinced me to see. Does that me he coerced me into seeing it? Did he "rape" my movie-choosing? No, he convinced me to see it. Same with sex. Sometimes one partner is unsure of how much they want. Simple, non-forceful convincing is part of the give and take of a relationship.

At the event, a girl spoke about her rape and made me think about it in a totally different way. She said she was raped at a frat party, after going back with a guy whom she'd been dancing with the whole night. She said to the crowd "Maybe I was looking for SOMETHING, but not EVERYTHING. My dress does not excuse his behavior."

Right. I sometimes forget about limits. The hard part is being able to communicate what the limits are, often because I myself don't know what I want. Did this girl at the party have limits? Apparently. Did she communicate her limits to the guy she was with? Possibly. Should potential sex partners have to wait until their partner is begging them to have sex? Probably not. Where is the limit. Should one have to sign a consent form for sex? The lawyer in me wants to say yes, but the realist in me says no way.

Additionally, feminists will probably shun me for saying this, but I have certainly fallen privy to the game of saying "I'm fine" when in reality I mean "I'm not fine, but I don't want to just come right out and say it, because I want you to press me to tell you whats really going on". I like this. I like the fact that he begs me to open up to him. I like the fact that he reinforces how much he wants to know what I'm thinking and feeling. I don't WANT to tell him straight away.

If men aren't allowed to claim yes means no with regards to sex, can women claim that yes means no in regards to emotions? Can we really allow ourselves to force our boyfriends to press us to tell them why we're upset, if they can't then press us into having sex with them? Frankly, I'm not ready to give up the cat-and-mouse game of emotional jenga. And if that means playing cat-and-mouse sex, okay.

Tearing Up Myself

There are some aspects about my relationship which I keep private. I do this in order to maintain the trust between my boyfriend and I. If something is shared between the two of us, we both need to know that it will stay only between the two of us.

I failed last Saturday night. Friends and I had gone out for a friend's birthday, and got pretty drunk (almost every bar we went to gave us a free round. It was epic). We were all joking and laughing and talking about relationships, and I let one of his secrets slip. I feel absolutely terrible about it. I tried to quickly cover it up, and turn the conversation in another direction, but it was still too late. My friends had all heard what I said.

I can't go into too much detail about the incident on this blog, obviously, but suffice it to say that the drunken secret spilling has been tearing at me since it happened. I won't tell him I told them, since that would just make things worse. I can't talk to my friends about it, since I don't want to remind them of what I said. So, world, I am telling you:

I AM AN AWFUL GIRLFRIEND BECAUSE I BETRAY TRUST AND TELL OTHER PEOPLE'S SECRETS. I OFFICIALLY SUCK. THE END.

Shomer Negiya

As if the past year hasn't given me enough reason to reject the concept that shomer negiya makes a relationship stronger (our worst times were when we were apart from each other), this article proves it from a scientific standpoint.

Confusion

My boyfriend suffers from depression.

Does this mean I should suffer with him?

I suffer from low self esteem, and I am acutely aware of this.

I keep thinking I need to end this. I think, why should I be stuck in a relationship where my partner doesn't want to do things with me, doesn't make an effort to see me, doesn't understand why all this upsets me.

And then I think, but if I break things off, I will be alone. I like thinking that I have someone to confide in, someone to share things with, someone to turn to when I'm upset.

And then I think, I'm that person for him. I'm who he turns to when he's upset, when he's depressed. And is it fair for me to not be there for him if I want him to be there for me?

And then I think, if I break things off, he'll get more upset and more depressed, and now is not the time to do that to him.

But maybe now is the time to do that. Maybe I shouldn't wait until he is happy, because then I will be set him into ANOTHER bout of depression.

I love him. I think he loves me, but he never tells me unless I say it first.

He makes me laugh. When he's not depressed, I can make him laugh.

We enjoy the same forms of entertainment, though lately we haven't been doing much of anything.

I will only persue a relationship that I think has long term potential. Does this?

I love him.

On Relationships

I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over 9 months now. We are just starting to exit the honeymoon stage and are (trying to be) settling into the committed relationship stage. It's not easy. I routinely look back to how we were when we first started dating and think, how come we're not as cuddly or as giddy around each other as we used to be? Does he not like me as much as he used to? Why do we stay in waaay more than go out? Why does he not make an effort to impress me as much as he used to? Why do I no longer make an effort?

On the other hand, my roomate has been dating her boyfriend for about two years, on and off. They are very giddy around each other, very nauseatingly try to "sneak" carresses to each other, and talk about each other constantly. The on and off, I've started to realize, is important. My theory is that they never ACTUALLY move past the honeymoon phase, but, by virtue of the fact that they have actually been together for so long, effectively have entered the committed relationship phase as well.

They went out for about 6 months, started fighting, broke up, and several weeks later got back together. They have done this about four times. It seems that when the newness of the realtionship starts to wear off, they just break up and start over.

The rational part of me says my way is healthier, that we address problems, that we learn to work with each other instead of against each other. But the low-self esteem part of me that's constantly comparing myself to others says that they've caught hold of something important. They have, albeit by extreme means, learned to continuously ignite the spark that started their relationship. I hope that my boyfriend and I can learn to do this too, before it goes out all together.

The Worst Day Ever

Well, maybe not ever. But here's a list of what happened in the last five hours:

-I planned to wake up at 7:30 to daven, shower, and study. I woke up at 9:30, and only had time to study. Now I feel unholy and dirty.

-I'm sick, but I just took off school for Yom Kippur and will be taking off more time to go home for Succot, so I really can't justify missing any more class.

-I'm in an eternal state of "Do I really want to go to law school or not, and if not, what DO I want to do?" I sometimes picture myself as a forensic analyst, but then tell myself there is a reason I've been avoiding any type of science-type classes. Then I get mad at myself for not taking a more well rounded course load.

-I've been spending too much time with the boyfriend. I think my roomates are annoyed. It's not their right to be annoyed (because we spend time at his house, not mine) but I don't want to get on their bad side.

-The meeting I was supposed to go to at 12 was apparently at 10. I never got the email, the boss asked me if I forgot and is meeting personally with me later.

-I have to give my advisor reasons why I want to go to law school so she can write a reccomendation letter for me. I can't really think of any other than, "I'll make a lot of money" and "I want my parents to be proud of me".

-I went to the coffee shop to get my standard feel better drink, a tall iced skinny caramel macciato, and realized that even though i had shlepped my whole purse with me, and even had to go back to one of my classes because I left it there, my credit card is still at home.

Exclusivity: Emotional and Physical

A conversation that comes up frequently between me and whoever will listen is the one about the blurry lines of shomer negiah relationships.

In a shomer relationship, there is no physical contact. The relationship is solely a verbal one. So the question arises, what differentiates an exclusive, shomer relationship with the relationship of a good friend? The typical answers given, such as "the mutual knowledge of each other's love/like/admiration", or "someone that will be a constant in your life" can apply equally to good friends and boyfriends. I have at least 5 guys in my life that fit that description. With a shidduch situation, the lines are less blurry, because both parties are dating with the expectation that if the relationship goes well, they will get married sooner rather than later. However, for many young-adults, marriage is not necessarily on the radar at the same time dating is.

The question can be expanded to ask, what constitutes cheating in a shomer relationship? Is talking to someone else a breach of trust? An extended conversation? Several extended conversations? Is it simply being emotionally attached to someone else?

I read an article recently about pornography, in which the author asked "Is porn adultery?". This article, not coming from a religous perspective in the least, said that perhaps it is, since although one is not physically giving of him or herself to the porn, they are idealizing the porn, becoming emotionally attached to an idea of a person. A letter to the editor was written in response in which a man said, "if my porn is adultery than my wife's romance novels should also be adultery, in that she becomes emotionally attached to a ficticious hero that real men could never live up to."

Apparently, this question does not only apply to people in shomer relationships. The New York Times recently wrote about it as well. The article made it's way to the top most-emailed article of the day when it came out. It discussed the new model for dating. Long ago, like in the 70s, people would go on a few dates, and if they liked each other, would get physical. Today, there is a much more prevalent "hook-up culture", and the model has shifted. Today, and I have seen this happen with multiple friends, people will hook-up with someone, usually an aquaintence, and if they like each other, they will date.

The question is, again, what changes from the hook-up stage to the dating stage? I suppose it's exclusivity, during the hook up stage it is totally OK to hook up with someone else, but during the dating stage, not so much. But really, it's more than that. When one is "in a relationship", there is an emotional bond that is just begining to be built during the hook-up stage. The bond is there, and it's meant for just the other.

There are several ways to approach this. One could say that perhaps exclusivity is purely emotional, in which case porn, romance novels, and extended conversations would all be taboo. On the other hand, one could say that it's purely physical, in which case there is no possibility for cheating in a shomer-negiah relationship. I like to think that, like in all matters, the answer lies somewhere in the middle. But now the hard question remains-where is the middle?

What's Love Got To Do With It?

ונפש יהונתן נקשרה בנפש דוד ויאהבהו יהונתן כנפשו
(שמואל א א׃יח)

OK, this post is not going to talk about the implications of this posuk for the Gay/Lesbian community. Maybe I will discuss this in another post. When discussing this posuk with my chavrusa, we got into a discussion about what the Torah means by "ahava", or "love".

I decided that an interesting project would be to look at how "ahava" is used in various places in tanach, and see if I could draw a conclusion. What I found is really interesting.

There is a concept when learning tanach that if one wants to know what a word means, they should look to the first place that the root is used, and use that context as a guide.

The first place that the root א.ה.ב is used is Bereishis 22:2 :
וַיֹּאמֶר קַח-נָא אֶת-בִּנְךָ אֶת-יְחִידְךָ אֲשֶׁר-אָהַבְתָּ, אֶת-יִצְחָק, וְלֶךְ-לְךָ, אֶל-אֶרֶץ הַמֹּרִיָּה; וְהַעֲלֵהוּ שָׁם, לְעֹלָה, עַל אַחַד הֶהָרִים, אֲשֶׁר אֹמַר אֵלֶיךָ
"And He (God) said, 'Please take your son, your special one, THAT YOU LOVE, Yitzhak, and go for you to the land of the Mountain Moriah, and bring him up their as an oleh offering on one of the mountains which I will tell to you."

In the begining of this posuk, God is instructing Avram to bring his son as a sacrifice. Avram is confused, because he has two sons, and doesn't know which son God wants him to take. So God tells Avram to take his "special" son. But Avram's a good father, both of his sons are special to him. Then, God says "the son which you love" and it is this phrase that seperates Yitzhak from Yishmael.

The Torah is making pointing out that there is a distinction between that thinking of someone as "special" and actually loving them. In today's world, when we talk about "our special someone" we are referring to the one person we love more than anyone else. But, apparently, our view of love is not the same as the Torah's. Love is something more than just viewing someone as really special.

Besides for familial love, there is one other context in which the Torah talks about love. That is in the mitzvah of ahavas HaShem. The mitzvah is found in sefer Devarim 10:12

וְעַתָּה, יִשְׂרָאֵל--מָה יְהוָה אֱלֹהֶיךָ, שֹׁאֵל מֵעִמָּךְ: כִּי אִם-לְיִרְאָה אֶת-יְהוָה אֱלֹהֶיךָ לָלֶכֶת בְּכָל-דְּרָכָיו, וּלְאַהֲבָה אֹתוֹ, וְלַעֲבֹד אֶת-יְהוָה אֱלֹהֶיךָ, בְּכָל-לְבָבְךָ וּבְכָל-נַפְשֶׁךָ

Note that here, when the Torah tells us to love God, the phrase used is וּלְאַהֲבָה אֹתוֹ.
אַהֲבָה is a noun-love, as the thing love. But then what does וּלְאַהֲבָה mean? Technically, its, "And to love(noun) Him."

This is confusing. We see from sefer koheles that there is actually a verb-infinitive of ahava:

עֵת לֶאֱהֹב וְעֵת לִשְׂנֹא
(Koheles 3:8)

Why can't the Torah also use the word לֶאֱהֹב? Obviously, God wants to teach us about what real love is, and what it is not. Love is not simply having much affection for something. When we say "I love chocolate brownies" we are not actually using love in the right way. There's no doubt that Yaakov had ALOT of affection towards Yishmael. In todays terms, it would be called love. Yaakov loved Yishmael dearly. But, not according to the Torah.

So what can the Torah mean by "love"?

The answer, I believe, can be found in last weeks parsha, when the word ahava is used once again:


וַיַּעֲבֹד יַעֲקֹב בְּרָחֵל, שֶׁבַע שָׁנִים; וַיִּהְיוּ בְעֵינָיו כְּיָמִים אֲחָדִים, בְּאַהֲבָתוֹ אֹתָהּ
"And Yaakov worked for (or "with") Rachel seven years, and they were in his eyes like a few days, in his love(noun) for her"

Yaakov's whole focus, while in the house of Lavan, was Rachel. He worked seven whole years just to be able to marry her. Everyday when Yaakov went out to work, he knew the only reason he was doing it was for Rachel. He put up with Lavan for 14 years just to be able to marry Rachel. Yaakov's whole life's focus at the point was Rachel. Yaakov was "in love" with Rachel because everything he did, he did for her.

This is what I think the Torah is telling us love is. Love, true love, is when your whole life's focus is the object of your love. Thats why Ahavas Hashem is a noun. It's not a simple action. One can not just bring a korban and say, "OK, now I've fulfilled the mitzvah of ahavas Hashem" and then check it off his list. It doesn't work like that. To love God means your whole life is dedicated to God. Everything that one does, they do for God.

This is what distinguished Avram's relationship with Yishmael and Yitzhak. Sure, Avram adored Yishmael. He had alot of affection for him. It's only natural-Yishmael IS his SON, afterall. But the difference is posterity. Deep down, Avram knows that eventually, Yitzhak is going to be the one to continue the family legacy. Avram, as much as he may "love" Yishmael, knows that his life's work of spreading the idea of Torah Monotheism will be continued not by Yishmael, but by Yitzhak, the son that he loves.