Dress The Part

The hardest thing about working in a law office is having to get dressed up in a suit, makeup, and jewelry everyday.

I thought I would enjoy wearing suits. They're so easy, all you have to think about is what shirt to put underneath. Wrong. There's a whole lot more to the female suit. The clothes-i.e., deciding on pants or skirt, A-line or pencil, dark or light, and which goddamn blouse highlights my silhouette without making me look like the office slut-are just the beginning. Theres the shoes, the makeup, the hair, the jewelry. It never ends.

I put up with all that in the name of professionalism. I tell myself that clients will respect me more if I look put-together. But WHY? Shouldn't they prefer that I spend that hour in the morning working on their case, rather than trying to remove the clump of mascara in my eye while throwing foundation on my face while deciding on earrings, all while the curlers are warming up my head? Such is our society.

Recently, I read an article in Marie Claire magazine about a female MIT Physics professor. She said that one of the hardest things for her was forcing herself to not wear makeup to work, so that her male colleagues would take her seriously.

Seriously?

She was complaining that she was taken more serious WITHOUT makeup, and that bothered her? What I wouldn't give to be able to be that Teva and jeans wearing professional, judged for her work performance and not for her appearance.

And yet, she was being judged for her appearance, only in the opposite way I was. She was more professional if she didn't dress up, and I am considered more professional if I do dress up.

I could easily fall in to the trap of blaming the male-centrist society, the society that reduces women to nothing but pretty faces who might have brains if they look like they have brains, but it goes beyond that. Men are judged on their appearance too. Like it or not, the lawyer who dresses in a sharp, fitted suit with the shined shoes and the silver cuff links is more "professional" than the one who comes in dressed in khakis and a polo. The problem is that we judge people, all people, based on appearances.

Some may say that's not so bad. They say that there's a reason we judge books by their covers, the covers convey what the author thinks is a central theme of the book. Our dress is what we present to the world.

The truth is, the covers don't convey what the author thinks is the central theme of the book. They convey what the publisher, publicist, and managing editor thinks is the central theme of the book. Someone way back when decided that professionals wear suits, so suits indicate a professional employee. The employee that takes more time for his work and less for his appearance, he's not professional. Neither is the hard worker who saves her paycheck to invest and buys fake jewelry rather than expensive gems. At least not according to the publicist. And frankly, why should they get all the say?

Feminism: The Chaning Names for Marriage Post

I had a discussion today with some people, about 4 women and 3 men, about name changing. Long story short, 2 of the people in the group were dating each other, and got into their first argument over the issue. He adamantly hoped his wife would take on his name, she adamantly hoped her husband would not assume she would change her name. Interestingly, of the other 3 women at the table, all agreed that a woman shouldn't be forced to change her name, nor should it be assumed she would. Of the men, this guy and one other agreed that women should ideally change their names, and the third guy said he didn't assume his fiance will change her name (he is engaged to a very feminist woman, he's pretty feminist himself) but acknowledged he's probably in the minority among men.

One of the people said to me that this was indicative of a larger societal issue. I agree. It was so interesting to me to see the disconnect between the girls and the guys. I would guess that a majority of women have atleast considered whether or not to change their names when they get married, and much much fewer men have considered the issue.

I have a very simple solution to the societal issue. Women: refuse to date/marry men who don't want to acknowledge both of your heritages in your marriage.

We can change the way society views hyphenated names by ostracizing those who disagree with us. If this is an issue that many, many, women care about, and it involves marriage, it inherently involves many, many men, too. We can change them. I don't say that lightly. I know there will be men to whom hyphenating their name is an utterly despicable idea, and there are women who agree with those men. Good. Marry each other. But for the majority of women who are uncomfortable with a male-dominated marriage, and for the majority of men who are also uncomfortable with that, but won't admit it because of how they'd be viewed by society, force a change. It's simple, easy, and achievable. It can happen quickly.

Women, it's up to you. This is one place in feminism where the power to change is in the women's hands. Take advantage of that!

On Feminism and Date Rape

I used to be a rape apologist, as some would call it. I never really bought into the argument that "just because I'm wearing a mini-skirt and grinding with you doesn't mean I don't want any from you". I agreed with this person's view on date rape. Read the article, but if you don't, this quote just about sums it up:

Let’s get this straight: any woman who heads to an EI party as an anonymous onlooker, drinks five cups of the jungle juice, and walks back to a boy’s room with him is indicating that she wants sex, OK? To cry “date rape” after you sober up the next morning and regret the incident is the equivalent of pulling a gun to someone’s head and then later claiming that you didn’t ever actually intend to pull the trigger.

I recently went to an event at my college about sexual assault. There was a poster there which said, " 'yes, yes, yes, oh God, yes!' means yes. Prevent rape by waiting for enthusiastic consent". I'm still not sure whether I agree with that one. I mean, there's been movies that I wasn't sure that I wanted to see that my boyfriend convinced me to see. Does that me he coerced me into seeing it? Did he "rape" my movie-choosing? No, he convinced me to see it. Same with sex. Sometimes one partner is unsure of how much they want. Simple, non-forceful convincing is part of the give and take of a relationship.

At the event, a girl spoke about her rape and made me think about it in a totally different way. She said she was raped at a frat party, after going back with a guy whom she'd been dancing with the whole night. She said to the crowd "Maybe I was looking for SOMETHING, but not EVERYTHING. My dress does not excuse his behavior."

Right. I sometimes forget about limits. The hard part is being able to communicate what the limits are, often because I myself don't know what I want. Did this girl at the party have limits? Apparently. Did she communicate her limits to the guy she was with? Possibly. Should potential sex partners have to wait until their partner is begging them to have sex? Probably not. Where is the limit. Should one have to sign a consent form for sex? The lawyer in me wants to say yes, but the realist in me says no way.

Additionally, feminists will probably shun me for saying this, but I have certainly fallen privy to the game of saying "I'm fine" when in reality I mean "I'm not fine, but I don't want to just come right out and say it, because I want you to press me to tell you whats really going on". I like this. I like the fact that he begs me to open up to him. I like the fact that he reinforces how much he wants to know what I'm thinking and feeling. I don't WANT to tell him straight away.

If men aren't allowed to claim yes means no with regards to sex, can women claim that yes means no in regards to emotions? Can we really allow ourselves to force our boyfriends to press us to tell them why we're upset, if they can't then press us into having sex with them? Frankly, I'm not ready to give up the cat-and-mouse game of emotional jenga. And if that means playing cat-and-mouse sex, okay.

I Enjoy Being a Girl, but...

Here are some reasons why being a man is so much easier:

-If you don't wear makeup, no one's gonna say anything or look at you strangely or think of you as unprofessional. Same thing with hair styling. Seriously, I want just ONE wake up and go day that I don't end up regretting later. Just one, please!!

-You don't end up crying for hours for no explainable reason except that, well, your internal hormones are just doing their thing.

-2 outfits. That's all you ever really need. Maybe 3 or 4 if you're super stylish. Think of all that saved closet space.

-If you wear tight, uncomfortable, constricting clothing and shoes that result in long term joint and muscle pain, you're crazy, not fashionable.

-Pockets in every garment.

-You don't get pints of blood pouring out of you monthly, potentially ruining both clothing and a sexy evening.

-Less work, more money. Also, less money spent on styling products and clothing.

Best. Bat-Mitzvah. Ever.

-Partnership Minyanim are GREAT. Especially when done at the request of the Bat Mitzvah.

-Catering is over-rated.

-For that matter, so is ordering benchers. Making your own to include your own personal preferances is SO much better.

-It's great to be one of the few non-family members at family meals and still feel included.

-Shavuot is the perfect holiday for a Bat Mitzvah

Only one negative comment, and it has nothing to do with the Bat Mitzvah: Shiurim, even ones in the middle of the night, should never turn into self-help therapy sessions. If you want to talk to a rabbi about your personal issues, do so on your own time.

On Being A Woman

In light of recent political events, a story:

2 years ago, I took a class in which I was one of three females, and the ONLY female that attended class regularly. The class was called "Film: Form and Culture". When analyzing a particular film, the professor asked me "Beverly, as a woman, what would you say is the female perspective of this film?" I answered him by saying "Well, neither I nor you can speak for half the human population, but if you are looking for my opinion as to how women were represented in the film, I'd say..."

Liberated Yet?

I teach Hebrew school on Sundays. The following conversation took place yesterday between a female fifth grade student and myself:

Student: I don't know any girl rabbis.
Me: That's because there used to not be any, since girls didn't go to school at all. Only in recent times have rabbinical schools started letting women in. This started around the time that it became normal for all girls to go to college.
Student: Girls used to not have to go to school? They were lucky back then!
Me: Instead, they had to stay at home all day and do chores. They cleaned the house and cooked food all day. Would you want to do that instead of going to school?
Student: I guess not.
Me: You should feel lucky that you live in a time where women can really do whatever they want to. They can be rabbis, doctors, bankers, lawyers, teachers, or anything else...
Student: Like models! I want to be a model!

The Wedding Rant

Reasons I really don't like going to frum weddings:

-The groom gives the bride a ring and says "behold, you are now betrothed to me". The bride does nothing. She has no (public) say.

-Weddings are essentially a sale of women. This is most evident at Sephardic weddings, when the parents walk the the bride halfway down the isle, and then the groom comes to "claim his property" and accompany the bride for the other half.

-High heels are especially painful, both to wear and to be stepped on by.

-Frum women do NOT know how to circle dance, yet they pretend to by walking fastly in circles for a few minutes, untill becoming more interested in the man burning a ring of fire on their black hats.

-The kallah is brought to the men so that they can be mekayim the mitzvah of simchas kallah.

-Girls are expected to "out-fancy" each other, even if the resulting outfit looks hideous.

-Separate seating is just awkward.

-There's something about the immense number of perakim of tehillim being said by 17 and 18 year old girls that makes me want to cringe.

Maturity and Halacha

“Any man who is under 30 and is not a liberal has no heart; any man who is over 30 and is not a conservative has no brains.”

-Winston Churchill (or not)

Many young people, in the context of college, yeshivah, or seminary, like to spend their time discussing issues of policy. Specifically, in the Orthodox Jewish world, issues pertaining to halacha. During the year that I spent in Israel, I had many such conversations with peers about issues as the kashrut status of Rabanut Yerushalayim, saying hallel on Yom HaAtzmaut, and the role of kiruv within the Jewish community. We also discussed things like tzniut and mandatory army service in Israel.

It’s funny how as a 17 year old teenager, I could be SO convinced that my position was right. Most of my opinions haven’t changed objectively since then, but this past weekend, I had an enlightening experience.

I spent shabbos with a family that I respect a lot. I had never actually met them before, but they are the cousins of a close friend of mine. This close friend and I wanted to spend shabbos together, and she asked her cousins to host. It was the type of place that, after being there for only a couple of hours, I felt like I’d known them my entire life. They told me to make myself at home, and I did. The wife and I spent the entire weekend joking around, as if we were old friends. I teased the 14 year old cousin as if he was my own little brother. I spoke with their 16 year old about various options for college (His school starts having college guidance meetings in 10th grade? What??)

The wife is an attorney at a fancy law firm in New York City. She covers her hair outside of her home, but not when she’s at work. That’s when it hit me. I have dreams of going to law school and working a large firm like hers. I never for a minute have doubted whether or not I would cover my hair. Of course I would. The question was always, how? I don’t really like the idea of sheitels. What’s the point of covering hair with hair?
“It’s a way for women to follow halacha, while at the same time feeling comfortable with their appearances” always seemed like a weak argument for me. In Israel, I decided that I would only cover my hair with hats or scarves-a blatant declaration of my status as an Orthodox, married woman.

I started thinking about her situation, and how odd it was that she didn’t cover her hair at work. Then I thought, what will I do in that situation? Wear a hat, like the 60 year old southern ladies going out for tea? Wear a scarf, like a twenty-something teenage wannabe? I couldn’t think of a single option that would be appropriate in a business environment, with the exception of a sheitel, which, of course, the 17 year old me had decided was inappropriate.

Later on, the issue of national army service came up. Of COURSE boys who don’t want to go to Yeshiva should serve in the army, right? Sure, in theory. But Israel is in the middle of a WAR!! Going to the army means signing up for war. Can I really handle that? Do I want to place my children in a position that forces them to be in life threatening situations? No, not really. No amount of Zionism is going to change that. Land can’t bring back a dead child.

Maybe the year in Israel is for exactly this purpose. Maybe the flipping out is a good thing. Even if people don’t end up sticking with all the changes they make in Israel, they will be able to separate the things they do/don’t do because of halachic ideals from the those that they do/don’t do because of personal comfort. And that’s an important distinction.

All in the name of Miss Manners

There are really not very many people that I Dislike. Some I like more than others, and obviously, I would prefer to spend my time with those. However, there is one particular person who really bothers me, and would fall into the “Dislike” category. He’s extremely socially awkward, but that’s not what bothers me. I’m friends with an alarmingly large amount of socially awkward folks.

No, what bothers me about this guy is one particular incident. The first time I met him was at a Shabbos meal. He happened to be sitting next to me, and throughout the meal, did not talk very often, but did turn his head so that it was perpendicular to his neck.

I finally asked him why he was doing that, and he answered that he likes to look at the world from various paradigms. Clearly, the most literal way of doing so is to actually turn your head. (?) Well, I let that go, and continued to make conversation with someone else.

Now, apparently, this guy thinks it’s the funniest thing in the world to turn his head at an angle whenever he sees me. I’m going to be frank, and say that this creeps me out. A lot. So I tend to avoid this guy.

Well, last Shabbos, I was making a meal in my apartment. The guest list turned out to have 5 girls and 1 guy. I was a little uncomfortable with this ratio, so I decided I needed to invite more guys. Problem is, it’s winter break, and there’s just not that many guys here over break. However, I do have 2 other guy friends who are here.

But now, I ran into another problem. These 2 guys are roommates, and guess who roommate number 3 is. Yep, Creepy Guy.

I couldn’t invite both the others without inviting the 3^rd (I’m not THAT rude), but I wanted to avoid Creepy Guy at all costs. So I had to make a decision-which friend to invite. I hated making the decision, but I did.

The meal turned out fabulous (I even made challah and babganoush for the first time!), and the 2:5 ratio wasn’t a problem at all. Still, I really wish Creepy Guy would just do me a really big favor and transfer schools. Please?

Girls and Boys

Mazel Tov! The JLI couple at UMD, Rabbi Eli and Naomi Kohl, had a baby boy this past week.

Rabbi Kohl came to Maariv last night and showed us pictures of the baby. The boys asked him if the baby shared any of the Torah he had learned while in the womb with him.

The girls, all in unision, said "awwww" as soon as he showed us the picture.