Exclusivity: Emotional and Physical

A conversation that comes up frequently between me and whoever will listen is the one about the blurry lines of shomer negiah relationships.

In a shomer relationship, there is no physical contact. The relationship is solely a verbal one. So the question arises, what differentiates an exclusive, shomer relationship with the relationship of a good friend? The typical answers given, such as "the mutual knowledge of each other's love/like/admiration", or "someone that will be a constant in your life" can apply equally to good friends and boyfriends. I have at least 5 guys in my life that fit that description. With a shidduch situation, the lines are less blurry, because both parties are dating with the expectation that if the relationship goes well, they will get married sooner rather than later. However, for many young-adults, marriage is not necessarily on the radar at the same time dating is.

The question can be expanded to ask, what constitutes cheating in a shomer relationship? Is talking to someone else a breach of trust? An extended conversation? Several extended conversations? Is it simply being emotionally attached to someone else?

I read an article recently about pornography, in which the author asked "Is porn adultery?". This article, not coming from a religous perspective in the least, said that perhaps it is, since although one is not physically giving of him or herself to the porn, they are idealizing the porn, becoming emotionally attached to an idea of a person. A letter to the editor was written in response in which a man said, "if my porn is adultery than my wife's romance novels should also be adultery, in that she becomes emotionally attached to a ficticious hero that real men could never live up to."

Apparently, this question does not only apply to people in shomer relationships. The New York Times recently wrote about it as well. The article made it's way to the top most-emailed article of the day when it came out. It discussed the new model for dating. Long ago, like in the 70s, people would go on a few dates, and if they liked each other, would get physical. Today, there is a much more prevalent "hook-up culture", and the model has shifted. Today, and I have seen this happen with multiple friends, people will hook-up with someone, usually an aquaintence, and if they like each other, they will date.

The question is, again, what changes from the hook-up stage to the dating stage? I suppose it's exclusivity, during the hook up stage it is totally OK to hook up with someone else, but during the dating stage, not so much. But really, it's more than that. When one is "in a relationship", there is an emotional bond that is just begining to be built during the hook-up stage. The bond is there, and it's meant for just the other.

There are several ways to approach this. One could say that perhaps exclusivity is purely emotional, in which case porn, romance novels, and extended conversations would all be taboo. On the other hand, one could say that it's purely physical, in which case there is no possibility for cheating in a shomer-negiah relationship. I like to think that, like in all matters, the answer lies somewhere in the middle. But now the hard question remains-where is the middle?

The (Wrong) Bottom Line

The claim is that some people only dream in black and white, and researchers believe that those who do are older people who grew up with black and white television.

From the end of the article:

"The bottom line: A small percentage of people dream in black and white"

Nope. That's not what I think the bottom line is. The interesting thing here is the REASON they dream in black and white. Not because the neurons in their brain are programmed differently, not because they are color blind, but because of the type of TV they watch.

Studies have shown that Americans are watching more TV now than they ever were before. The latest Nielsen study claims that the average time Americans spend watching television is 142 hours a month, or over 4.7 hours a day. Still, there are 19.3 hours left unaccounted for. Some of that time is spent sleeping (or dreaming!). The suggested amount of sleep for an adult is around 7 hours. Now we're left with 12.3 hours of awake, non-TV watching time. 12 hours a day of working, running errands, eating meals, playing sports, whatever. But apparently, that's not what the brain focuses on. This time is unimportant to the brain. All it cares about is what's going to happen on Grey's Anatomy, or, which I Love Lucy rerun will come on next.

4.7 hours a day is significant. It's way too much. I can't even imagine finding the time to watch 4.7 hours of television every day. Still, it's not the majority of the day. I wonder what is so different about the way the brain interprets TV that it can alter dream images? Do the little pixels of light really creep into your head and change your wiring that much? And, more importantly, why didn't the New York Times think this was the real significance of the study?

Thanksgiving Dinner Conversation

Me: What do you think was the purpose of Akeidat Yitzhak?

Dad: To test Avraham.

Me: To test him if what? If he would put God before his children?

Dad: Exactly.

Me: So, you think that’s the most ideal thing? To put God before your children?

Dad: Yes.

Me: Would you put God before your children?

Dad: Yes, I would.



…I don’t think I would. Maybe that makes me a bad Jew, or maybe that means there are multiple ways to read the story. I like to go with the second one. Also, I’m a little concerned that my dad told me that, straight to my face.

Jewish Stereotypes

It's an article about sales on 5th Avenue in New York City. Of course the lady pictured is going to be Jewish. Note the tichel on her head. Also, the young teenage girl behind her appears to be a yiddele as well, perhaps a Stern student on break from class.

Liberated Yet?

I teach Hebrew school on Sundays. The following conversation took place yesterday between a female fifth grade student and myself:

Student: I don't know any girl rabbis.
Me: That's because there used to not be any, since girls didn't go to school at all. Only in recent times have rabbinical schools started letting women in. This started around the time that it became normal for all girls to go to college.
Student: Girls used to not have to go to school? They were lucky back then!
Me: Instead, they had to stay at home all day and do chores. They cleaned the house and cooked food all day. Would you want to do that instead of going to school?
Student: I guess not.
Me: You should feel lucky that you live in a time where women can really do whatever they want to. They can be rabbis, doctors, bankers, lawyers, teachers, or anything else...
Student: Like models! I want to be a model!

The Wedding Rant

Reasons I really don't like going to frum weddings:

-The groom gives the bride a ring and says "behold, you are now betrothed to me". The bride does nothing. She has no (public) say.

-Weddings are essentially a sale of women. This is most evident at Sephardic weddings, when the parents walk the the bride halfway down the isle, and then the groom comes to "claim his property" and accompany the bride for the other half.

-High heels are especially painful, both to wear and to be stepped on by.

-Frum women do NOT know how to circle dance, yet they pretend to by walking fastly in circles for a few minutes, untill becoming more interested in the man burning a ring of fire on their black hats.

-The kallah is brought to the men so that they can be mekayim the mitzvah of simchas kallah.

-Girls are expected to "out-fancy" each other, even if the resulting outfit looks hideous.

-Separate seating is just awkward.

-There's something about the immense number of perakim of tehillim being said by 17 and 18 year old girls that makes me want to cringe.

Eruv or Neighbors?

The UMD eruv is down this week.

This, after much discussion on moral vs. halachic values.

Every thursday, during the day, a group of students from the Eruv Committee drive around the entire eruv (it's about 8 miles in circumference) to make sure that each of the posts are there. (For more information about the UMD eruv or eruv in general, click here.) Then, at night, other members of the community randomly check about 5 posts a week, in order to make sure that the posts line up with the wire that connects them all. These posts are 10 tefachim high, about 3 feet, and the wires are the electrical wires high up above the ground. We use a laser to make sure that the wires and posts are alligned, and therefore, we have to check at night.

Last night we were doing the rounds about 10:30 at night. At the last post, there was a major problem. A signifigant portion of the lechi [post] was missing, and therefore, it was nowhere near alligned. We had our kit of duck tape, poles, wooden beams, and nails with us, and went to work trying to fix the eruv.

About 15 minutes into the project, the woman who lived in the house behind this pole came out and asked what we were doing. This is not unusual, as we get this question a lot during our rounds. One of our members explained briefly what it was, but this didn't satisfy the woman. She didn't care what we were doing, she just (understandably) wanted us gone because we were a group of students standing outside her house in the middle of the night with scary construction equipment, and we were keeping her kids up.

We told her that we'd try to be quieter, and that we should be finished in a few minutes. We whispered, but 15 minutes later, she came out again. We asked if we were being too loud, and she said, "No, that's not it. My son's bedroom is that window up there, and he is nervous that you are here at all. He won't go to sleep until you all are gone. You see, we are Muslim, and the last time we had people outside our house like this was when a group of people were trying to break into our house soon after Sept. 11th. Please, for my children's sake, do this some other time."

We hurriedly tried to fix the lechi, and left it in a VERY haphazard state. It was kosher, but it was extremely temporary. It was also pretty scary looking, a pole sticking out from the telephone post wrapped all around with duck tape. Because of the alignment thing, it had to stick out about 8 inches, which didn't add to the effect.

We left, and it was kosher. No problem. However, we felt horrible about keeping that woman and her children up. We decided that the friendly, communally-responsible thing to do would be to bring the lady and her family a box of chocolates and write her a letter of apology. However, one of the senior members of the eruv committee brought up the point that if we go back there, we'd very likely find that the temporary lechi that we had put up was down. We wouldn't be able to fix the eruv if it was broken, since that has to be done at night. We were now in a moral quandry. We could leave the area as is, assume kosher status, and risk making a chillul hashem to the neighbors. Or, we could go back to the woman, make ammends, and then declare the eruv down if we noticed it.

To me, the issue was clear. Our community would just have to go one week without an eruv. Sure, some people would carry their keys any way, but wouldn't it be better that they are mechalel shabbos beshogeg (unintentionally) than for us to create bad feelings in the community?

Surprisingly, about half the committee didn't feel that way. Their reasoning was that if we declare it down, 200 people would be breaking shabbos. They wouldn't get the message in time, or they would ignore it, etc.

I just don't understand this. It seems to be another symptom of the Jewish elitism problem- "All that matters is our needs"-and such other statements. Really, you'd ignore the fears of a person that already has experianced religous bigotry and racism just so you can carry your keys? That just doesn't seem right to me.

Dead Man Walking?

Way back in the day I used to be adamantly against the death penalty. It's just too uncertain, it dosen't deter crime any more than life without parole does, it doesn't protect society anymore than life without parole does, and it certainly dosen't do anything to help rehabilitate the offenders.

I still sort of feel that way.

However, I've started working with Criminal Justice research organizations, and I've realized there is a really big incentive for the death penalty. This, of course, is the financial incentive. It costs a heck of a lot less to kill someone than it does to build prisions for them, provide food and clothing for them, and to pay gaurds to watch them.

Now, if that were the only factor, it would still seem to be pretty clear cut. Taxpayers should pay the price for a better society. (This is the liberal in me fighting to see some daylight). Still, there is one more factor that needs to be added in to the equation.

This is the war on drugs. There are those amongst us that advocate in legalizing certain non-life threatening drugs, such as marijuana, to alleviate this war. On the otherside, there are those that oppose this, saying it's the same as a mid-war immediate pullout. Both sides, however, acknowledge that we are fighting an expensive battle which we seem to be losing.

Through my work with sentancing policy, I've noticed something interesting. My state sets guidelines for various crimes, depending on the severity of the offense and the history of the offender. Judges don't have to listen to these guidelines, but they have to provide a reason if they deviate from them.

The problem is, all too often, judges will issue rulings like "10 years in state prison, suspended". This means, basically, the 10 years goes on the offenders permanent record, and into the statistical information, but the offender actually doesn't serve any time.

One time, I saw a judge issue a ruling (I think it was for 3 years), with the caveat "begining when space opens up at jailhouse X". Lack of space in prisions is a huge problem, and judges work with it by suspending the sentances of their less violent offenders, usually those convicted of drug possesion or distribution. I have not yet come across any case where someone was convicted of possesion that actually served ANY time. It's rediculous. Originally, I blamed the judges, saying they weren't being hard enough on drug crimes. It's only been recently that I started to think maybe it's not just them. Maybe they are just doing the best possible job they can do when prisions are literally filled to capacity.

Ideally, yes, more prisions should be built to solve the space problem. Would it cost tax money? Most definately yes. Short of that, however, may leave the need to keep criminals out of prision in a different way-a systematic genocide of the most hardened criminals that don't really stand a chance of getting released any way. But I just can't advocate for that.

Little Boxes

Ikea, the world leader in efficiently-packed, mass produced, globally distributed housewares, now builds houses!

Nearly my entire apartment is from Ikea. Before school started, I spent a week putting together a bunk bed, 2 desks, 2 bookshelves, and a dresser, all from Ikea. Many of the tools in my kitchen are also from Ikea, and lest you think that all kitchen utensils are packed the same way, I also had to assemble my pots and pans-it's cheaper to ship them with the handles removed, and placed inside the pots.

I can spend days walking around the Ikea store. The fact that there is the entire second floor dedicated as a showroom, there just for the benefit of the design-less like myself, makes me smile. But Ikea houses? I'm not so comfortable with that. My desk is a bit wobbly, and we had to return the bunk bed because some of the boards didn't fit into where they were supposed to. All that is fine for furniture that I'll be done with in 2 years, but a house is a long term investment, and I'm not sure I trust Ikea with that.

Living For Herself

If I had it to do all over again, I may or may not have chosen to go to the high school(s) that I went to, but I definitely would not have gone to the seminary I went to. I just didn't know what I wanted out of a school. I basically asked my principal, who I highly respected, where he thought I would like, and he told me to go to the school that I did.

Even before I went there, I was a little apprehensive about it. I knew that it was more right wing than I was, but I wasn't sure that was a bad thing. I knew that the girls from my high school who'd gone there weren't exactly like me, but then again, who IS exactly like me? It seemed that everyone who spent a year learning in Israel came back at least a little, if not a lot, more religious than they were when they started.

I bring this up now not because I'm dwelling in regret, but because my sister is a senior in high school and is deciding where she wants to apply to seminary now. Now, my sister and I are vastly different people, and I acknowledge this. However, her arguments for applying to schools that are more right wing than she is sound eerily familiar. "My guidance counselor thinks I will like it, and she knows me well" "So-and-So went to this school, and she's a cool person" "I don't want to go to seminary just to read texts all the time. I like the discussions" "I'm not looking for the same things from college that I am from sem".

I want her to go to the best school for her, not the best school for me. If she wants to go to the same school I did (she doesn't, but for different reasons) then so be it. However, I hope she isn't tricking herself into thinking that because other people tell her that's what she wants, it's what she wants. I want her to have the clarity of mind to choose a place that will affect her positively for the rest of her life, not just for the 6 months after she gets back when she's still on her spiritual high.

Driving Thoughts

I teach on Sundays at a school about an hour away from my house. It gives me some great time for personal introspection. Among the thoughts that crossed my mind this week:

-7:45am is WAY too early for a Sunday morning, no matter what. 

-I wonder why drive through Starbucks aren't more popular?

-How important IS Jewish continuity anyway?

-If I'm going 80 in a 55, I can't really get annoyed at the cars going 65 for going to slow. The problem isn't their speed. 

-My ipod is useless because in order to use it in the car, I have to hook it up to the radio, and change the station almost as often as I change the song. 

-If these parents are so committed to their children getting Jewish education, why not send them to day school already?

-My day school was really crappy. My high school wasn't much better. Still, despite this, I left both these institutions way more committed to Judaism than I was before. Why?

Zionism-My Epiphany

I don't know why it has taken me so long to realize this. Maybe it's because my formal learning about Zionism ended at 7th grade. Maybe it's because I don't discuss the issue with enough people. Maybe it's because I have never been in an overly Zionistic environment for an extended period of time, until now.

Whatever the reason, it all seems so clear to me now.

I never understood the seemingly intrinsic connection between Modern Orthodoxy and Zionism. Why is it that one of the earmarks of a Modern Orthodox institution is that hallel is said on Yom Haatzmaut? Why do the Modern schools have Israel committees, (theoretically) well developed Ivrit programs, and aaliya advisors? And conversely, why is that lacking in the more "traditional" Orthodox schools? What's with the "non-Zionist" phenomenon? Is it truly a tenet of Ultra-Orthodoxy to dismiss both the Zionists and the Anti-Zionists at the same time?

Suddenly, out of no where, it hit me. I finally got it. And I can't understand why it took me so long to connect the dots. 

Zionism, in it's most original form, was a secular, political movement. It was, basically, an answer to anti-semitism. Some secular Jews got this notion to create a State for the Jews, and [eventually] decided to put it in Palestine. Now, the rest of the Jews, especially the Orthodox, had to decide whether or not to put their support in Israel, and this was a big debate.

On one side, there were those that said traditional Jewish thought claims that the Messiah will bring the Jews back to Israel on the wings of eagles and that it's not our place to do the Messiah's job (!). 

On the other side, there were the Jews who said, we too believe in redemption and Messiah, and we can take an active part in bringing that era. Even when taking the literal approach to traditional texts, they argued, there's nothing wrong with setting the stage for the promised era. Not only is there nothing wrong, but it seems that in fact this is ideal, Judaism is not a passive religion, rather, an active one. 

And this, my friends, is the struggle between modern orthodoxy and chareidi orthodoxy that exists today. Is secularism something that should be avoided at all costs, or should observant Jews embrace parts of secularism as beneficial tools not only for the mundane, but for the religious benefits as well?

Roomates: gotta love 'em

-4 girls are sharing a 2 bedroom, 1 bath apartment. We're not crazy, right?

-2 of roommates are vegetarian. Yay for dairy shabbat meals!

-1 roommate brought a record player, along with her collection of about 70 records. Yay for authentic oldies music!

-I spent an hour trying to convince my roommate that our bunk beds would look better in the corner of the room. She was nearly in tears by the end of it, but finally agreed. We moved it, and she says "You know, I think it does look better this way". I think I have to be nicer during debates. 

-You can easily tell which stuff the freshman roommate put up: The pieces of paper with funny quotes from the internet do not normally survive more than one semester.

-I don't know how people who have to take airplanes move into college. 

-My best friend used to live a 30 minute walk away from me. Now she lives in my backyard!

-I really hope the people in my apartment don't get into any big fights, because I've seen too many friendships ruined that way, and my roommates are way too awesome of friends to lose. 

-I bought a dresser from Terrapin Trader, the university surplus shop, today for $24!

Shout Out: Einat

I have an intellectual obsession with my Hebrew professor, Einat. 

I sign up for everyone of her classes, even when it means not taking CORE classes that I actually need to graduate, and even when it means taking classes like "Introduction to Hebrew", in which we started with learning the alef-bet. 

Last year, she taught an experimental class titled "The history of the Hebrew language".  This article covers the basics of much of what she taught in that class. It was an AWESOME class, and I recommend every Jewish student at UMD to take it, or any other class that she teaches.  

Am I a grammar prude?

There are 2 songs that really, really bug me when I hear them. 

They particularly get to me because, if not for their very blatant english mistakes, I'd actually like them.  A lot. 

The first is Kid Rock's All Summer Long. The mistake in this song is not actually the grammar, but the poetry style:

"We were trying different things/we were smoking funny things/making love out by the lake/all summer long."

It's a really catchy chorus, but as it gets stuck in my head, I keep saying "You can't rhyme a word with itself." And this perpetuates the song getting stuck in my head, because I keep thinking about how wrong it is. 

The other song is "Don't phunk with my heart" by The Black Eyed Peas.  First of all, funk is not a verb. I don't care what anybody says about language being controlled by the ones who speak it, they are wrong if they think some celebrity rock band can legitimately change grammar by mimicking an incorrect way of speaking used by uneducated, low class individuals. And don't even get me started about the spelling. 

These things bug me, alright? Please people, don't assume your audience are a bunch of ignoramuses, because "if you build it, they will come."

Hishtadlut: Putting in Effort

"In Jewish tradition, it is believed that by preparing for a certain event, one helps the event come about. For example, many single people buy an article of clothing which they will use for their weddings in orders to help bring about that day. (This concept is called Hishtadlout)."

-From a facebook group for a tzipiyah.com event which invites everyone to join them at the Beit HaMikdash on Tisha B'av, with the coming of Mashiach. 

Not quite. In my book, this concept is called voodoo, or depending on the perspective, planning in advance. I know a couple of girls who bought head scarves while they were in Israel, even though they weren't anywhere close to getting married, because they didn't know when the next time they would be back would be, and the scarves are much cheaper in Israel than in America. 

Hishtadlut would be going out on dates, asking friends if they know anyone who'd be good for you, etc. Really, it's anything pro-active in finding someone to get married to. Buying a wedding veil won't help you find the right person. It's not pro-active in finding the right person, it's pro-active in planning the perfect wedding. But the person should come first. 

Diversity in the Office

Here is a recent conversation between a co-worker and I. This particular woman was hired because she speaks Spanish, and many of our customers speak only Spanish. 

Her: Now why would someone have put the file for "Smith-Carrey, Heidi" after "Smith, Veronica"?

Me: Because we file first by last names, then by first names.

Her: But C comes before V, so Carrey comes before Veronica.

Me: Yes, but Carrey is part of her last name. Her last name is "Smith-Carrey". So you do all the Smiths, and then you start doing all the "Smith-Carrey".

Her: OK, but see this name starts with a C and this name starts with a V. The C name should be first. This is why I can't ever find the files that I need. People just don't know how to file around here.

Me: Yeah, that's a problem alright.

Seeing the Silver Lining

Last summer, I bought a new laptop. My old laptop was stolen out of the trunk of my car while I was on vacation in New Orleans (Incidentally, my father had actually expressed concern that I was going there specifically because he had heard that the crime rate is now especially terrible).

I loved my old laptop. It was a little big and bulky, but it did everything I needed, and it did it fast. It had all the cool, little features that I liked, like the fact that I could close it and it would automatically go into sleep mode, and then I could open it and it would wake up again. It had all my programs on it, which admittedly aren't many, but still, important. It had a lot of my music on it, and many of my pictures as well. The pictures weren't quite as big of an issue, since most of them were online or printed already, but still, they were there. Since it was the summer, I didn't any papers or things I was in the middle of working on that were lost, which was extremely lucky. In any case, it was a good lesson in the importance of backing up files. My new best friend is now my USB flash drive.

In any case, I had to buy a new computer. I shopped around, spoke to my brother, who is my go-to person when it comes to anything with a cord, and finally chose one I liked, that was in my price range, which was quite low, considering that my parents weren't helping me out ("This wouldn't have happened if you hadn't gone to New Orleans like we wanted").

The computer had everything I needed, and there was nothing noticeably wrong with it. But for some reason, it didn't feel like it was "mine" yet. I would type out my papers, do research online, do the facebook/email/onlysimchas procrastination thing, but it just didn't feel the same. The buttons weren't the same, the tabs weren't in the same places, and worst of all, it was Windows Vista, which I have learned is a horrid operating system.

It reminded me of something I heard in Seminary. Once a week, the head of Darchei Binah, Rabbi Kurland, would give a weekly talk. The class was officially called "Modern Halachik Problems", and to paraphrase the description of the class given to us on our first day, "Sometimes I [Rabbi Kurland] will talk about modernity, sometimes I'll talk about halacha, and sometimes I'll just talk about problems".

One week, around the halfway point of the year, he spoke about Getting All You Can Out of Your Time in Israel. He said that the year was half way over, and that it was time to embrace all that seminary offered. It was way past the time girls should have been rethinking their decisions. The "what ifs", he said, were the biggest reason why girls weren't happy. "What if I had gone to a different school?" "What if I didn't go to Israel at all?" The past was over and, at that point, it wasn't realistic to change. He went on to list things you COULD do, if you didn't feel you were getting everything you expected from seminary. Take different classes, put more effort into the classes you were already taking, make meetings with teachers, come over to his house, etc.

I didn't particularly like that speech, but I could feel him speaking straight to me. He was funny like that. Every single class of his I felt was tailor made for me. I wasn't too fond of Darchei Binah while I was there, and if I had it to do all over again I probably would have chosen a different school, but I learned a lot that year, and not just about "where I didn't want to be", which is what I told people who asked about it afterwards. I really do owe a lot to my teachers. I'm in the middle of preparing a Shavuos shiur on Rut, and I'm taking much of it from my seminary notes. My skills have multiplied, and I really believe that I have become a much more open-minded person due to my time at Darchei Binah.

It took me over two years to realize all that. I wonder if it's the same for my computer. It's been a year, and I still don't like my computer. It just doesn't feel like me. I don't know what a me computer feels like, but it doesn't randomly freeze when I spend too much time online, it doesn't take ten minutes to start up, and it doesn't block limewire (which I use for completely legal reasons, mind you ;) I don't know if in another year I'll look back at this computer and think, what a great laptop that was, but I hope so. I also hope it doesn't actually take a year.

Reasons I heart UMD, part 1

-I was doing a research project, and the book I needed had been checked out of the library. So I hopped on the metro, went to the Library of Congress, got an official "researcher card", and did my research there.is Anyone who has not experienced the awesomeness of being in the same building as every single book published in the United States since it's founding in 1776 is missing out.
-I donated blood yesterday, and they provided me with Kosher for Passover Coke and marshmallows.
-3 Jewish A Capella groups. 'Nuff Said.

Practical Halacha for Pluaralists

I was invited to eat at a friend's apartment last Friday night. I have been really busy lately, and haven't been around much, but this weekend I happened to be free. I had not seen this particular friend, and really wanted to spend some much needed time catching up with her.

However, there were few potential problems with this meal:

1. While they consider themselves "kosher", she and the rest of her apartment mates actually keep "kosher style", in which they do not check for hechserim, but will not eat any non-kosher meat, will not eat anything that mixes meat and milk (though they will eat non-hechshered cheese-apparently the mixing of renerts with curd isn't enough basar v'chalav for them), and will avoid any products with xanthan gum listed in the ingredients.

2. Both the door to enter her building and the door to enter her apartment require a electronic swipe card.

3. She lives on the 10th floor of her building

4. She is what I call "Zachor Shabbat". While she does keep Shabbat as a day of rest, she will occasionally do things that Shomer Shabbat Jews will avoid, such as turning off and on lights, and turning off and on ovens.

I wanted to eat with her, and I did not want to do anything not acceptable by Orthodox Jewish halacha.

Some would suggest avoiding the situation all together. One friend said, "This is why alot of people have the custom not to eat anything cooked by people who are non-Shomer Shabbat." It's just not worth it, they'd say. You never know what could happen. A million things could go wrong in a situation like that. Someone who doesn't follow the halacha isn't going to be as careful as someone who does.

First off, that last statement is just not true. I've seen plenty of "Orthodox", "Observant" people who "accidentally" flip on lights that they forgot to set before Shabbat, or pick out all the tomatoes from their salad because, well, tomatoes taste slimey and they just get in the way. It's not that all Orthodox people aren't careful, it's just that Orthodoxy does not by definition include careful attention to all details of halacha as part of it's mission statement of sorts. And many times, it's the non observant people that will go above and beyond the call of "hostess duty" in order to make their guests feel more comfortable.

Let me share what happened in this particular case:

She asked me to take her shopping a few days before Shabbat. Because I was with her, I could say things like "Does your salad dressing at home have a hechsher on it?" She wanted to do everything she could in order to make me comfortable eating at her home, and she was aware that our standards of kashrut are different. I never put it as "I keep kosher and you don't", though in my mind I regard her apartment as non-kosher, but I say "you and I have different standards of kashrut." Not once has she gotten offended by this. (She and I are close enough that she would tell me, or at least I'd be able to tell by her facial rections.)

I asked her if I could come over Thursday night to help her cook. In this, I accomplished two goals. First off, I got to spend some quality time with her, while also reducing the amount of time needed to actually cook the meal. Second, I could serve as the unofficial mashgiach. She had already agreed to cook things in disposable pans covered with two layers of foil, and when she needed to cook meatballs in a pot, I told her she could borrow one from me.

Actually getting into her apartment required some thought. One of her roomates was not planning on going to services, so we asked her if she wouldn't mind staying in the apartment until we got there, and therefore she could let us in the door.

Getting into the building was a little trickier. We waited until other people went into the building, and followed behind them. The biggest problem was getting up the 10 flights. I didn't mind walking the steps (and as it turned out, neither did 6 out of the 10 others who were with me), but the door to the steps is locked at the first floor, for security purposes. So, my friend told me what she was going to do was go up in the elevator and come down and open the door for us. I wasn't a hundred percent comfortable with that, until someone pointed out that we are in no way asking her to do melacha. She has to go up to her apartment anyway. Now, she could leave her apartment, walk down the stairs, open the door for us, and then walk back up the stairs with us. Or she, of her own free will, can take whatever combination of elevator and stairs she wanted. Turns out, she took the elevator to the second floor, walked down to the first floor, and then walked back up with us to the tenth. It was an experience.

My point in telling over this whole story is that I could have just said, "No, thank you. It sounds great but I'll be unable to come." But instead, I chose to make it work. In regards to Michael Broyde, I'd like to say that, with all due respect, you're wrong. Orthodoxy can in fact be supportive of and encourage pluralism. It's what makes this religion great.

Maturity and Halacha

“Any man who is under 30 and is not a liberal has no heart; any man who is over 30 and is not a conservative has no brains.”

-Winston Churchill (or not)

Many young people, in the context of college, yeshivah, or seminary, like to spend their time discussing issues of policy. Specifically, in the Orthodox Jewish world, issues pertaining to halacha. During the year that I spent in Israel, I had many such conversations with peers about issues as the kashrut status of Rabanut Yerushalayim, saying hallel on Yom HaAtzmaut, and the role of kiruv within the Jewish community. We also discussed things like tzniut and mandatory army service in Israel.

It’s funny how as a 17 year old teenager, I could be SO convinced that my position was right. Most of my opinions haven’t changed objectively since then, but this past weekend, I had an enlightening experience.

I spent shabbos with a family that I respect a lot. I had never actually met them before, but they are the cousins of a close friend of mine. This close friend and I wanted to spend shabbos together, and she asked her cousins to host. It was the type of place that, after being there for only a couple of hours, I felt like I’d known them my entire life. They told me to make myself at home, and I did. The wife and I spent the entire weekend joking around, as if we were old friends. I teased the 14 year old cousin as if he was my own little brother. I spoke with their 16 year old about various options for college (His school starts having college guidance meetings in 10th grade? What??)

The wife is an attorney at a fancy law firm in New York City. She covers her hair outside of her home, but not when she’s at work. That’s when it hit me. I have dreams of going to law school and working a large firm like hers. I never for a minute have doubted whether or not I would cover my hair. Of course I would. The question was always, how? I don’t really like the idea of sheitels. What’s the point of covering hair with hair?
“It’s a way for women to follow halacha, while at the same time feeling comfortable with their appearances” always seemed like a weak argument for me. In Israel, I decided that I would only cover my hair with hats or scarves-a blatant declaration of my status as an Orthodox, married woman.

I started thinking about her situation, and how odd it was that she didn’t cover her hair at work. Then I thought, what will I do in that situation? Wear a hat, like the 60 year old southern ladies going out for tea? Wear a scarf, like a twenty-something teenage wannabe? I couldn’t think of a single option that would be appropriate in a business environment, with the exception of a sheitel, which, of course, the 17 year old me had decided was inappropriate.

Later on, the issue of national army service came up. Of COURSE boys who don’t want to go to Yeshiva should serve in the army, right? Sure, in theory. But Israel is in the middle of a WAR!! Going to the army means signing up for war. Can I really handle that? Do I want to place my children in a position that forces them to be in life threatening situations? No, not really. No amount of Zionism is going to change that. Land can’t bring back a dead child.

Maybe the year in Israel is for exactly this purpose. Maybe the flipping out is a good thing. Even if people don’t end up sticking with all the changes they make in Israel, they will be able to separate the things they do/don’t do because of halachic ideals from the those that they do/don’t do because of personal comfort. And that’s an important distinction.

With Streets Paved in Gold

Every summer since I was about 12 years old, I’ve worked in my father’s check cashing store. For those of you who don’t know how check cashing works, it’s basically banking for transient workers. Many times people receive checks, but do not have bank accounts to deposit the checks into. Other times, the banks hold the checks for somewhere between 7-14 days to verify it before dispensing funds, but the worker can’t wait a couple of weeks to get his money. That’s where check cashers come in. The workers bring their checks to the establishment, we verify that the check is legit-a process that some how takes us several minutes, yet takes banks several weeks-and give them the money, minus a small fee. Then, the check casher deposits the check into their own bank account.

I generally work in the verification department. I’ve learned a lot about check fraud from it, too. When the movie Catch Me if You Can came out, I wasn’t so surprised to see what he pulled off, as I had seen or heard about many of those schemes before. One extremely popular form of check fraud is for someone outside of America to send some sort of email explaining how they have unfortunately come into a difficult situation. They own a business in their home country that deals with international clients, and the clients send them checks that can only be deposited in the United States of America. These “business owners” propose that they will send the check to to this contact person, the contact person will cash the check and then wire the money to the business owner in the foreign country, keeping, of course, a small percentage for their troubles. It seems like a win-win situation to the unsuspecting contact person.

The problem is, of course, these checks are complete forgeries. Most check cashers can spot them right away, but apparently, there are still a few that can’t (or don’t). When the check is denied, its up to the one who cashed it to pay back the check, plus a fine, plus serve jail time if the police are called. The one who cashed it, however, doesn’t have the money anymore, as they have already wired it out of the country.

There is an older woman who works in my office, and when discussing this situation, she says, “It’s such a shame that these crooks play to the emotions of caring Americans. All these people want to do is help someone in an unfortunate situation, and they end up getting screwed over.”

For a while, that’s how I thought of the situation as well. That is, until yesterday, when I received such an email. The subject line didn’t read “please help me” or “my friend needs your assistance”. It said “Make $100, just by depositing a check.” For fear of viruses, I didn’t open up the whole email, but my email server shows a preview of the message. It was written in really bright, flashy, colors, with lots of exclamation points, and a decidedly upbeat attitude.

It was then that I realized, these people aren’t playing towards American’s emotions, they’re playing towards American’s greed. They’re not so naïve to think that Americans will really care about some poor suffering businessman in Nigeria, they know that the only thing on the minds of most Americans is how to make an extra buck or two. And by the popularity of their schemes, they seem to be right.

All in the name of Miss Manners

There are really not very many people that I Dislike. Some I like more than others, and obviously, I would prefer to spend my time with those. However, there is one particular person who really bothers me, and would fall into the “Dislike” category. He’s extremely socially awkward, but that’s not what bothers me. I’m friends with an alarmingly large amount of socially awkward folks.

No, what bothers me about this guy is one particular incident. The first time I met him was at a Shabbos meal. He happened to be sitting next to me, and throughout the meal, did not talk very often, but did turn his head so that it was perpendicular to his neck.

I finally asked him why he was doing that, and he answered that he likes to look at the world from various paradigms. Clearly, the most literal way of doing so is to actually turn your head. (?) Well, I let that go, and continued to make conversation with someone else.

Now, apparently, this guy thinks it’s the funniest thing in the world to turn his head at an angle whenever he sees me. I’m going to be frank, and say that this creeps me out. A lot. So I tend to avoid this guy.

Well, last Shabbos, I was making a meal in my apartment. The guest list turned out to have 5 girls and 1 guy. I was a little uncomfortable with this ratio, so I decided I needed to invite more guys. Problem is, it’s winter break, and there’s just not that many guys here over break. However, I do have 2 other guy friends who are here.

But now, I ran into another problem. These 2 guys are roommates, and guess who roommate number 3 is. Yep, Creepy Guy.

I couldn’t invite both the others without inviting the 3^rd (I’m not THAT rude), but I wanted to avoid Creepy Guy at all costs. So I had to make a decision-which friend to invite. I hated making the decision, but I did.

The meal turned out fabulous (I even made challah and babganoush for the first time!), and the 2:5 ratio wasn’t a problem at all. Still, I really wish Creepy Guy would just do me a really big favor and transfer schools. Please?

On Rabbinic Authority

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I’ve heard way too many people, in and out of the blogosphere, rant about the annoyance of computers erasing unsaved files. So I’m not going to rant about it, just politely mention that I wrote out possibly one of my best works, and it got erased. I don’t know how, it just did. Therefore, what you are reading is actually the concise outline version.

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Actually, I wrote this when I was in seminary. Back in the day, I didn't know from such things as saving copies of work you turned it. I wrote it, gave it to the teacher, and was done with it. Oops, didn't know I'd actually want to look back at it.

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We had to write an honors thesis on a topic of out choice, and I wrote about emunat chachamim. It’s a topic that many people talk about, but not too much has been written on*, probably because of the lack of halachic basis.

When people asked me what my thesis was, I responded, “The concept of emunat chamim, as defined as the requirement to obey the word of one’s personal rabbi, is in actuality a falsity propagated by some self-righteous so-called rabbis for the purposes of creating their own congregational flock, and has no halachic backing” Of course, I couldn’t actually write that, so I toned it down a bit, but that was the general idea.

The words “emunat chachamim” are found in the mishnah, Avot 6:6. The mishnah lists ways to achieve greatness in torah, one of which is “emunat chachamim”. Other ways listed are study, listening, verbalizing, comprehension of the heart, debating with students, and minimizing sleep.

None of the classical commentators say that the presence of “faith in the sages” in this mishnah means that followers should follow every single thing their rabbi says. Instead, they offer explanations such as “faith that their ways are just”. Meaning, when one has the mindset that their teacher is coming from a misguided or wrong perspective, they can not truly internalize the message that the teacher is trying to give over. Therefore, the mishnah warns not to second guess teachers’ intentions, but to be faithful that they are honestly trying to convey something of life altering significance. There are other interpretations, but I liked that one the best. No other interpretation called for sheep-like diligence to the command of the rabbi-sage.

What sort of halachic proof do people like to use to prove that rabbis do indeed have divine authority? Well, the most famous source is a verse in devarim which says “Do not turn from the thing [that they have told you] right or left.] Rashi on that verse adds that “even if they tell you that left is right and right is left, do not deviate from it” Rashi’s reasoning is that it is more important for the Jewish people to be unified than to actually be following the ‘more correct’ halacha.

The first thing, which for some reason is very often overlooked (selective Bible-quoting, if you will) is that this verse is not referring to individual rabbis at all, but rather to the
Sanhedrin. It’s part of a list of laws delineating how the Sanhedrin operates. Rashi’s notes here are now easily understandable. When the entire Jewish population follows the ruling of one central governing body, the community is more closely bound together and united as one cohesive group. K’ish Echad B’lev Echad.

Today’s society has turned “don’t deviate left or right” completely on it’s head. We’ve deviated so far from the original intention of the verse that the exact opposite is happening. By pretending that congregational rabbis have the same status as Sanhedrin, we have actually created many more division and separation within the Jewish community. When parents choose to send their kids to public school, rather than a Jewish school of a different “mehalikh’, when young people refuse to date someone based on what hat they wear, when friendships are lost forever because of synagogue feuding, you know that it just has to be a perversion of torah ethics.

Perhaps this is why Jewish prayer emphasizes the re-establishment of Sanhedrin. “Restore the judges to the way they were at first, and the advisors like in the beginning.” This yearing for an earlier time is important not simply because it signifies the Messianic era, but also because it signifies the end of the era of machloket, and the beginning of the era of unity.

**I'm referring to classical Jewish works.