Self Esteem

As I mentioned in a previous post, I have extremely low self esteem. In the past, this has prevented me from applying to schools, jobs, and internships which I felt were a reach, out of fear that I wouldn't be able to handle (possible) rejection. It's also impacted the way I approach relationships, but that's a post for a different time.

When I started applying to law schools, I figured this would be a good time to work on this aspect of myself, and I applied to several schools that were "reach" schools . I have heard back from a number of the schools I have applied to, and almost all of the responses were positive. However, there are two schools that are at the top of my list of ideal schools. One I haven't heard from yet. The other one I got waitlisted for. I found out today.

In a way, I expected this. Writing application essays was awful. As I was trying to convince the schools that I was their ideal candidate, that I was smart and ambitious and all around awesome, my insides were screaming, "NO YOU'RE NOT. YOU'RE LAZY AND STUPID AND THE WORSE CANDIDATE FOR LAW SCHOOL EVER". I've really been trying to separate my emotions from rationality, but this is not making things easier.

My mom, forever the optimist, responded to my text of "waitlisted for [school a] :(" with "that's excellent, when do u hear back?". It took me a while to figure out her response wasn't an insult. I guess I should have her confidence, but I just don't. I equate getting waitlisted for schools with rejection. Similarly, when I got into a few schools but without getting a scholarship offer, I was upset. Acceptances should be cause for celebration, but I'm always looking at the negative.

I really need to work on this confidence thing. I guess I've been convinced that avoiding any risk of rejection is not the way to go, but I'm not loving the alternative.