Am I Really That Old?

Today, my professor said "Does anybody here know what Y2K was?". I thought he was kidding, but the response of the class seemed to indicate that they only knew about Y2K by hearing about it from others. One guy raised his hand and said, "Wasn't it that time right before the year 2000, when everyone thought the world was going to explode because computers weren't equipped to handle the new date changes?"

Most of the students in this class were freshmen. They were 8 years old when Y2K happened. I suppose that there is a difference between the way a 12 year old sees the world (which is how old I was during the Y2K scare) and the way an 8 year old sees things, but I didn't think it would be that different. I didn't think they wouldn't remember something that people were worrying about for months over. I guess I was wrong, I guess 8 year olds are just more naive than I realized.

Self Esteem

As I mentioned in a previous post, I have extremely low self esteem. In the past, this has prevented me from applying to schools, jobs, and internships which I felt were a reach, out of fear that I wouldn't be able to handle (possible) rejection. It's also impacted the way I approach relationships, but that's a post for a different time.

When I started applying to law schools, I figured this would be a good time to work on this aspect of myself, and I applied to several schools that were "reach" schools . I have heard back from a number of the schools I have applied to, and almost all of the responses were positive. However, there are two schools that are at the top of my list of ideal schools. One I haven't heard from yet. The other one I got waitlisted for. I found out today.

In a way, I expected this. Writing application essays was awful. As I was trying to convince the schools that I was their ideal candidate, that I was smart and ambitious and all around awesome, my insides were screaming, "NO YOU'RE NOT. YOU'RE LAZY AND STUPID AND THE WORSE CANDIDATE FOR LAW SCHOOL EVER". I've really been trying to separate my emotions from rationality, but this is not making things easier.

My mom, forever the optimist, responded to my text of "waitlisted for [school a] :(" with "that's excellent, when do u hear back?". It took me a while to figure out her response wasn't an insult. I guess I should have her confidence, but I just don't. I equate getting waitlisted for schools with rejection. Similarly, when I got into a few schools but without getting a scholarship offer, I was upset. Acceptances should be cause for celebration, but I'm always looking at the negative.

I really need to work on this confidence thing. I guess I've been convinced that avoiding any risk of rejection is not the way to go, but I'm not loving the alternative.

Confusion

My boyfriend suffers from depression.

Does this mean I should suffer with him?

I suffer from low self esteem, and I am acutely aware of this.

I keep thinking I need to end this. I think, why should I be stuck in a relationship where my partner doesn't want to do things with me, doesn't make an effort to see me, doesn't understand why all this upsets me.

And then I think, but if I break things off, I will be alone. I like thinking that I have someone to confide in, someone to share things with, someone to turn to when I'm upset.

And then I think, I'm that person for him. I'm who he turns to when he's upset, when he's depressed. And is it fair for me to not be there for him if I want him to be there for me?

And then I think, if I break things off, he'll get more upset and more depressed, and now is not the time to do that to him.

But maybe now is the time to do that. Maybe I shouldn't wait until he is happy, because then I will be set him into ANOTHER bout of depression.

I love him. I think he loves me, but he never tells me unless I say it first.

He makes me laugh. When he's not depressed, I can make him laugh.

We enjoy the same forms of entertainment, though lately we haven't been doing much of anything.

I will only persue a relationship that I think has long term potential. Does this?

I love him.

Alternate Personalities via Google

I Googled my name today. Among the people sharing my name were a registered nurse, a college volleyball player, a professor, and a woman with my first name who married a man with my last name and had six bridesmaids.

Sometimes I think that google is not just a search engine, it's a portal into alternate universes. What if I had pursued volleyball after my tenure as middle school captain of the varsity volleyball team? I may just be playing college ball now, with a full scholarship and everything. What if I hadn't been disuaded from the sciences when my 9th grade biology teacher made us watch Finding Nemo four different times throughout the year? I may have become a nurse, or even a doctor...

As I sit here sorting through the law school acceptance letters that have arrived, and wait eagerly by my e-mail inbox to hear from the others, I often ponder if the carreer I chose in 10th grade is the correct one. My roomate said the average American changes carreers 7 times in their lifetimes. Great, but I would like my starting carreer to NOT put me hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt just in time for me to realize that what I ACTUALLY want to do is something I could have gone in to straight out of college.

This is where the Google portal stops being useful. When I click on the names, I read about someone who is not me. I'd like a button that I can click next to any one of these alternate selves that says, 'how to get here'. It would tell me, in great detail, what to do to become that person, starting from where I am right now.

So, any of you computer nerds-up to the challenge??

On Relationships

I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over 9 months now. We are just starting to exit the honeymoon stage and are (trying to be) settling into the committed relationship stage. It's not easy. I routinely look back to how we were when we first started dating and think, how come we're not as cuddly or as giddy around each other as we used to be? Does he not like me as much as he used to? Why do we stay in waaay more than go out? Why does he not make an effort to impress me as much as he used to? Why do I no longer make an effort?

On the other hand, my roomate has been dating her boyfriend for about two years, on and off. They are very giddy around each other, very nauseatingly try to "sneak" carresses to each other, and talk about each other constantly. The on and off, I've started to realize, is important. My theory is that they never ACTUALLY move past the honeymoon phase, but, by virtue of the fact that they have actually been together for so long, effectively have entered the committed relationship phase as well.

They went out for about 6 months, started fighting, broke up, and several weeks later got back together. They have done this about four times. It seems that when the newness of the realtionship starts to wear off, they just break up and start over.

The rational part of me says my way is healthier, that we address problems, that we learn to work with each other instead of against each other. But the low-self esteem part of me that's constantly comparing myself to others says that they've caught hold of something important. They have, albeit by extreme means, learned to continuously ignite the spark that started their relationship. I hope that my boyfriend and I can learn to do this too, before it goes out all together.

Blogging Makes the World a Better Place

Just minutes after I posted my disgruntled post earlier today, things started turning around.

I found out that I didn't actually leave my wallet at home, rather, had thrown it not in my purse but in my backpack, which I had with me as well. And there was still time before the test to down my tall iced vanilla latte with skim milk. The one down side to this event was that the coffee bar had run out of caramel syrup, so I wasn't able to get my caramel macciato, but hey, caffeine and sugar is caffeine and sugar in any form.

I met with my Boss, who was very sympathetic to my plight and said the only reason she mentioned my absence was because she wanted to make sure I wasn't sick or otherwise incapacitated. I am sick, but that's not the point. She cares about me, and thinks I'm a fine employee.

I sat down to write my reasons for wanting to attend law school. Turns out, I have some pretty legit reasons. And also, apparently, I'm pretty darn good candidate if I do say so myself. My resume is overflowing with things I've done to be proactive in my community, and that's OBVIOUSLY something that will follow me in my law career.

I'm still unholy and dirty, but after a whole day of meetings and classes and talking with professors, I sort of seem to forget about it.

Also, and most importantly, I know I have yummy leftover carrot soup waiting for me at home.

The Worst Day Ever

Well, maybe not ever. But here's a list of what happened in the last five hours:

-I planned to wake up at 7:30 to daven, shower, and study. I woke up at 9:30, and only had time to study. Now I feel unholy and dirty.

-I'm sick, but I just took off school for Yom Kippur and will be taking off more time to go home for Succot, so I really can't justify missing any more class.

-I'm in an eternal state of "Do I really want to go to law school or not, and if not, what DO I want to do?" I sometimes picture myself as a forensic analyst, but then tell myself there is a reason I've been avoiding any type of science-type classes. Then I get mad at myself for not taking a more well rounded course load.

-I've been spending too much time with the boyfriend. I think my roomates are annoyed. It's not their right to be annoyed (because we spend time at his house, not mine) but I don't want to get on their bad side.

-The meeting I was supposed to go to at 12 was apparently at 10. I never got the email, the boss asked me if I forgot and is meeting personally with me later.

-I have to give my advisor reasons why I want to go to law school so she can write a reccomendation letter for me. I can't really think of any other than, "I'll make a lot of money" and "I want my parents to be proud of me".

-I went to the coffee shop to get my standard feel better drink, a tall iced skinny caramel macciato, and realized that even though i had shlepped my whole purse with me, and even had to go back to one of my classes because I left it there, my credit card is still at home.

But I'm Nowhere Near There

My brother and sister play this game, anytime one of them sees an unusually awesome looking car on the road, they will send a text message to the other with the name of the car and the place where they saw it. For example "BMW M1, I-95 exit 103" and the other will text back "Awesome, but I'm nowhere near there."

I have been excluded from this game due to my apparent lack of knowledge of hot new cars. I had to google "cool car" to find an example for my text above.

Recently, though, I saw a documentary on the History Channel-my guilty pleasure- about 1980s technology, and one of the items featured was this car:



It's a 1982 DeLorean. Technically, a DeLorean DMC12, but because this is the only model the company made, people don't say the DMC-12 part. Also, it's the time machine from Back to The Future. Also, its a "cool car" with nostalgia and character. And I love nostalgia. And character.

Best. Bat-Mitzvah. Ever.

-Partnership Minyanim are GREAT. Especially when done at the request of the Bat Mitzvah.

-Catering is over-rated.

-For that matter, so is ordering benchers. Making your own to include your own personal preferances is SO much better.

-It's great to be one of the few non-family members at family meals and still feel included.

-Shavuot is the perfect holiday for a Bat Mitzvah

Only one negative comment, and it has nothing to do with the Bat Mitzvah: Shiurim, even ones in the middle of the night, should never turn into self-help therapy sessions. If you want to talk to a rabbi about your personal issues, do so on your own time.

On Being A Woman

In light of recent political events, a story:

2 years ago, I took a class in which I was one of three females, and the ONLY female that attended class regularly. The class was called "Film: Form and Culture". When analyzing a particular film, the professor asked me "Beverly, as a woman, what would you say is the female perspective of this film?" I answered him by saying "Well, neither I nor you can speak for half the human population, but if you are looking for my opinion as to how women were represented in the film, I'd say..."

Guilty Pleasures

Today, my english professor asked us to draw a picture of our bookshelves, and list what books were on them. Then she asked us to list the books that are not on our bookshelves, but would be on our ideal bookshelves. I made my lists, and while in general I am very pleased with my bookshelf, I deliberately left off some things that I didn't want to share with the class, for example, the first book of the Twilight series.

I didn't plan on reading Twilight. My reasoning was that if my fifth-grade students are reading it, the book couldn't be THAT stimulating, and it certainly won't be up to my intelligence level. I "broke" one Shabbos, while visiting a friend. I got bored of the textbook I had brought with me, and there was Twilight, sitting on her coffee table, asking to be read. It's pretty poorly written, but it's kinda like a Pringle-once you pop, you just can't stop. I have to find out what happens to poor Bella and Edward.

Tonight, I was folding laundry while watching TV on my computer. My roomate came in to ask me a question, and I quickly turned off the show. Partly, it was so I could hear what she was saying, but partly, it was because I did not want her to know I was watching "The Secret Life of The American Teenager". The show is TERRIBLE. The actors don't really act, the plot is completely ridiculous and it glorifies teen pregnancy. Still, it's a guilty pleasure. I have to watch because I want to know what happens-does the 15-year-old pregnant girl keep her baby or give it up for adoption? Does the father do as much as he says he will? What's going to happen with this new boyfriend? Suffice it to say that I don't watch much TV, because anytime I do, I get highly addicted.

Really, I shouldn't be embarrassed at my forms of relaxation. If I solely read books such as Twilight, or watched shows like "Secret Life", then I might have to start moving up to the next floor in the library. However, I'm comfortable with the amount of time I spend with these forms of entertainment. There's nothing wrong with going brainless for an hour or two. Still, I close the computer and edit my bookshelf, because at the end of the day, I'd prefer to be a closet light-brain than a known light-brain.

How To Get That Song Out Of Your Head

THIS site, songtapper.com, is awesome! If you've got a beat in your head, but you don't know the words to the song, you can use your spacebar to play it out, and the site will find songs that have that same beat.

It works much better than the time I googled "song that sounds like dum dum dum dum da dum dum".

Exclusivity: Emotional and Physical

A conversation that comes up frequently between me and whoever will listen is the one about the blurry lines of shomer negiah relationships.

In a shomer relationship, there is no physical contact. The relationship is solely a verbal one. So the question arises, what differentiates an exclusive, shomer relationship with the relationship of a good friend? The typical answers given, such as "the mutual knowledge of each other's love/like/admiration", or "someone that will be a constant in your life" can apply equally to good friends and boyfriends. I have at least 5 guys in my life that fit that description. With a shidduch situation, the lines are less blurry, because both parties are dating with the expectation that if the relationship goes well, they will get married sooner rather than later. However, for many young-adults, marriage is not necessarily on the radar at the same time dating is.

The question can be expanded to ask, what constitutes cheating in a shomer relationship? Is talking to someone else a breach of trust? An extended conversation? Several extended conversations? Is it simply being emotionally attached to someone else?

I read an article recently about pornography, in which the author asked "Is porn adultery?". This article, not coming from a religous perspective in the least, said that perhaps it is, since although one is not physically giving of him or herself to the porn, they are idealizing the porn, becoming emotionally attached to an idea of a person. A letter to the editor was written in response in which a man said, "if my porn is adultery than my wife's romance novels should also be adultery, in that she becomes emotionally attached to a ficticious hero that real men could never live up to."

Apparently, this question does not only apply to people in shomer relationships. The New York Times recently wrote about it as well. The article made it's way to the top most-emailed article of the day when it came out. It discussed the new model for dating. Long ago, like in the 70s, people would go on a few dates, and if they liked each other, would get physical. Today, there is a much more prevalent "hook-up culture", and the model has shifted. Today, and I have seen this happen with multiple friends, people will hook-up with someone, usually an aquaintence, and if they like each other, they will date.

The question is, again, what changes from the hook-up stage to the dating stage? I suppose it's exclusivity, during the hook up stage it is totally OK to hook up with someone else, but during the dating stage, not so much. But really, it's more than that. When one is "in a relationship", there is an emotional bond that is just begining to be built during the hook-up stage. The bond is there, and it's meant for just the other.

There are several ways to approach this. One could say that perhaps exclusivity is purely emotional, in which case porn, romance novels, and extended conversations would all be taboo. On the other hand, one could say that it's purely physical, in which case there is no possibility for cheating in a shomer-negiah relationship. I like to think that, like in all matters, the answer lies somewhere in the middle. But now the hard question remains-where is the middle?

The (Wrong) Bottom Line

The claim is that some people only dream in black and white, and researchers believe that those who do are older people who grew up with black and white television.

From the end of the article:

"The bottom line: A small percentage of people dream in black and white"

Nope. That's not what I think the bottom line is. The interesting thing here is the REASON they dream in black and white. Not because the neurons in their brain are programmed differently, not because they are color blind, but because of the type of TV they watch.

Studies have shown that Americans are watching more TV now than they ever were before. The latest Nielsen study claims that the average time Americans spend watching television is 142 hours a month, or over 4.7 hours a day. Still, there are 19.3 hours left unaccounted for. Some of that time is spent sleeping (or dreaming!). The suggested amount of sleep for an adult is around 7 hours. Now we're left with 12.3 hours of awake, non-TV watching time. 12 hours a day of working, running errands, eating meals, playing sports, whatever. But apparently, that's not what the brain focuses on. This time is unimportant to the brain. All it cares about is what's going to happen on Grey's Anatomy, or, which I Love Lucy rerun will come on next.

4.7 hours a day is significant. It's way too much. I can't even imagine finding the time to watch 4.7 hours of television every day. Still, it's not the majority of the day. I wonder what is so different about the way the brain interprets TV that it can alter dream images? Do the little pixels of light really creep into your head and change your wiring that much? And, more importantly, why didn't the New York Times think this was the real significance of the study?

Thanksgiving Dinner Conversation

Me: What do you think was the purpose of Akeidat Yitzhak?

Dad: To test Avraham.

Me: To test him if what? If he would put God before his children?

Dad: Exactly.

Me: So, you think that’s the most ideal thing? To put God before your children?

Dad: Yes.

Me: Would you put God before your children?

Dad: Yes, I would.



…I don’t think I would. Maybe that makes me a bad Jew, or maybe that means there are multiple ways to read the story. I like to go with the second one. Also, I’m a little concerned that my dad told me that, straight to my face.

Jewish Stereotypes

It's an article about sales on 5th Avenue in New York City. Of course the lady pictured is going to be Jewish. Note the tichel on her head. Also, the young teenage girl behind her appears to be a yiddele as well, perhaps a Stern student on break from class.

Liberated Yet?

I teach Hebrew school on Sundays. The following conversation took place yesterday between a female fifth grade student and myself:

Student: I don't know any girl rabbis.
Me: That's because there used to not be any, since girls didn't go to school at all. Only in recent times have rabbinical schools started letting women in. This started around the time that it became normal for all girls to go to college.
Student: Girls used to not have to go to school? They were lucky back then!
Me: Instead, they had to stay at home all day and do chores. They cleaned the house and cooked food all day. Would you want to do that instead of going to school?
Student: I guess not.
Me: You should feel lucky that you live in a time where women can really do whatever they want to. They can be rabbis, doctors, bankers, lawyers, teachers, or anything else...
Student: Like models! I want to be a model!

The Wedding Rant

Reasons I really don't like going to frum weddings:

-The groom gives the bride a ring and says "behold, you are now betrothed to me". The bride does nothing. She has no (public) say.

-Weddings are essentially a sale of women. This is most evident at Sephardic weddings, when the parents walk the the bride halfway down the isle, and then the groom comes to "claim his property" and accompany the bride for the other half.

-High heels are especially painful, both to wear and to be stepped on by.

-Frum women do NOT know how to circle dance, yet they pretend to by walking fastly in circles for a few minutes, untill becoming more interested in the man burning a ring of fire on their black hats.

-The kallah is brought to the men so that they can be mekayim the mitzvah of simchas kallah.

-Girls are expected to "out-fancy" each other, even if the resulting outfit looks hideous.

-Separate seating is just awkward.

-There's something about the immense number of perakim of tehillim being said by 17 and 18 year old girls that makes me want to cringe.

Eruv or Neighbors?

The UMD eruv is down this week.

This, after much discussion on moral vs. halachic values.

Every thursday, during the day, a group of students from the Eruv Committee drive around the entire eruv (it's about 8 miles in circumference) to make sure that each of the posts are there. (For more information about the UMD eruv or eruv in general, click here.) Then, at night, other members of the community randomly check about 5 posts a week, in order to make sure that the posts line up with the wire that connects them all. These posts are 10 tefachim high, about 3 feet, and the wires are the electrical wires high up above the ground. We use a laser to make sure that the wires and posts are alligned, and therefore, we have to check at night.

Last night we were doing the rounds about 10:30 at night. At the last post, there was a major problem. A signifigant portion of the lechi [post] was missing, and therefore, it was nowhere near alligned. We had our kit of duck tape, poles, wooden beams, and nails with us, and went to work trying to fix the eruv.

About 15 minutes into the project, the woman who lived in the house behind this pole came out and asked what we were doing. This is not unusual, as we get this question a lot during our rounds. One of our members explained briefly what it was, but this didn't satisfy the woman. She didn't care what we were doing, she just (understandably) wanted us gone because we were a group of students standing outside her house in the middle of the night with scary construction equipment, and we were keeping her kids up.

We told her that we'd try to be quieter, and that we should be finished in a few minutes. We whispered, but 15 minutes later, she came out again. We asked if we were being too loud, and she said, "No, that's not it. My son's bedroom is that window up there, and he is nervous that you are here at all. He won't go to sleep until you all are gone. You see, we are Muslim, and the last time we had people outside our house like this was when a group of people were trying to break into our house soon after Sept. 11th. Please, for my children's sake, do this some other time."

We hurriedly tried to fix the lechi, and left it in a VERY haphazard state. It was kosher, but it was extremely temporary. It was also pretty scary looking, a pole sticking out from the telephone post wrapped all around with duck tape. Because of the alignment thing, it had to stick out about 8 inches, which didn't add to the effect.

We left, and it was kosher. No problem. However, we felt horrible about keeping that woman and her children up. We decided that the friendly, communally-responsible thing to do would be to bring the lady and her family a box of chocolates and write her a letter of apology. However, one of the senior members of the eruv committee brought up the point that if we go back there, we'd very likely find that the temporary lechi that we had put up was down. We wouldn't be able to fix the eruv if it was broken, since that has to be done at night. We were now in a moral quandry. We could leave the area as is, assume kosher status, and risk making a chillul hashem to the neighbors. Or, we could go back to the woman, make ammends, and then declare the eruv down if we noticed it.

To me, the issue was clear. Our community would just have to go one week without an eruv. Sure, some people would carry their keys any way, but wouldn't it be better that they are mechalel shabbos beshogeg (unintentionally) than for us to create bad feelings in the community?

Surprisingly, about half the committee didn't feel that way. Their reasoning was that if we declare it down, 200 people would be breaking shabbos. They wouldn't get the message in time, or they would ignore it, etc.

I just don't understand this. It seems to be another symptom of the Jewish elitism problem- "All that matters is our needs"-and such other statements. Really, you'd ignore the fears of a person that already has experianced religous bigotry and racism just so you can carry your keys? That just doesn't seem right to me.

Dead Man Walking?

Way back in the day I used to be adamantly against the death penalty. It's just too uncertain, it dosen't deter crime any more than life without parole does, it doesn't protect society anymore than life without parole does, and it certainly dosen't do anything to help rehabilitate the offenders.

I still sort of feel that way.

However, I've started working with Criminal Justice research organizations, and I've realized there is a really big incentive for the death penalty. This, of course, is the financial incentive. It costs a heck of a lot less to kill someone than it does to build prisions for them, provide food and clothing for them, and to pay gaurds to watch them.

Now, if that were the only factor, it would still seem to be pretty clear cut. Taxpayers should pay the price for a better society. (This is the liberal in me fighting to see some daylight). Still, there is one more factor that needs to be added in to the equation.

This is the war on drugs. There are those amongst us that advocate in legalizing certain non-life threatening drugs, such as marijuana, to alleviate this war. On the otherside, there are those that oppose this, saying it's the same as a mid-war immediate pullout. Both sides, however, acknowledge that we are fighting an expensive battle which we seem to be losing.

Through my work with sentancing policy, I've noticed something interesting. My state sets guidelines for various crimes, depending on the severity of the offense and the history of the offender. Judges don't have to listen to these guidelines, but they have to provide a reason if they deviate from them.

The problem is, all too often, judges will issue rulings like "10 years in state prison, suspended". This means, basically, the 10 years goes on the offenders permanent record, and into the statistical information, but the offender actually doesn't serve any time.

One time, I saw a judge issue a ruling (I think it was for 3 years), with the caveat "begining when space opens up at jailhouse X". Lack of space in prisions is a huge problem, and judges work with it by suspending the sentances of their less violent offenders, usually those convicted of drug possesion or distribution. I have not yet come across any case where someone was convicted of possesion that actually served ANY time. It's rediculous. Originally, I blamed the judges, saying they weren't being hard enough on drug crimes. It's only been recently that I started to think maybe it's not just them. Maybe they are just doing the best possible job they can do when prisions are literally filled to capacity.

Ideally, yes, more prisions should be built to solve the space problem. Would it cost tax money? Most definately yes. Short of that, however, may leave the need to keep criminals out of prision in a different way-a systematic genocide of the most hardened criminals that don't really stand a chance of getting released any way. But I just can't advocate for that.