Young Sexuality

When and how do young girls start getting messages about sexuality?

Today, I bought a lacy, low-cut, satin nightgown. As I tried it on, I had flashbacks to a moment when I was about nine or ten years old. I, like many young girls, enjoyed playing dress-up in my mother's closet. I would try on her high heels, wear her shirts as dresses, and sling a pocketbook over my shoulder as though it had always belonged there. On this particular occasion, I found a low-cut crushed velvet nightgown crunched in a corner of the closet. I tried it on, and it looked fabulous ! It hit me right at my knees, showed off the breasts I was just beginning to devlop, and, because I am practically a carbon copy of my mother, was the perfect color to bring out my skin tone. I stood in the mirror, stunned. I didn't know my body could look this beautiful. Suddenly, I heard footsteps coming down the hall, and I scrambled to put my clothes back on. It wasn't that I didn't want my mom finding me playing dress-up in her closet, it was that I didn't want her to know I had found that.

At that age (and frankly, even to this day), I was a jeans and t-shirt type of person. I didn't wear low-cut things. Mini-skirts were too confusing to sit in. Anything with lace or frills was just too uncomfortable. And yet, when I tried on this nightgown, I was aware, for the first time, that my body was beautiful. It hugged me in the right places, hid that baby fat that I was self-conscious of, and put my chest in a place of honor.

I took a polaroid of myself in the nightgown, placed it back in the closet, and hid that polaroid in a box in a bag under my bed. No one could ever find out, I told myself. I had been so naughty for thinking of myself as sexy. It was just wrong to try to look like that.

Where did I get that idea from? What part of pop-culture was it that told me that looking sexy was a bad thing? What was it that told me to be ashamed of how good my body could look? Why did I feel like I had to hide that side of me?

Whatever it was, it stayed with me to this day. That nightgown I just bought? The first real piece of lingerie I've worn since that time when I was nine. And when will I wear it? At moments like this, when I am home alone, and want to feel pretty. As soon as I hear my roommates get home, off it will go, to the bottom of the closet, until I pull it out again, maybe years down the line.

Does Gay Pride Have to Equal Promiscuity?

This past week was Gay Pride Week in Washington, DC (where I'm living for the summer). Pride was everywhere-the parade last Saturday, the rainbows decorating the outdoor seating area of local restaurants, billboards advocating for gay rights, and even a gay dog show yesterday.

I am a huge supported of equal rights for LGBT people. There is absolutely no good reason why two men or two women should be denied the right to get married, to adopt children, to file joint tax-returns, and get all the same benefits as married couples do.

HOWEVER. I can not understand why gay pride has come to be synonymous with free sex. Why is it OK to walk around shirtless, pantsless, or in the case of one guy, wearing nothing but a string with a coconut around his waist?

Let me stress, it is not the openness of GAY sex that bothers me, it is the openness of SEX. If a naked man and a naked woman were to have sex in the middle of the fountain in the park near my home, that would bother me. If twenty such couples were to participate in what can only be described as an orgy in said fountain, that would infuriate me. Now, that same scenario, different only because the couples are homosexual, has come to be taken as an expected and exciting part of gay pride week.

Another double standard: At the parade last week, I was standing next to a some-what rambunctious, probably intoxicated, overtly gay man. He was cheering wildly as the floats passed by, and whenever there was a marcher close enough, he would give them a little slap or pinch on the butt. I was a little put-off by this, but didn't dwell on it. I did, however, begin to dwell when he pinched ME on the butt. This is sexual harassment. Yes, I was at a gay pride parade. I was there to show my support for gay rights. I was NOT there to get pinched in the butt.

In New York City, there are signs all over the subway that inform the public that a crowded subway is not an excuse for unwanted touching, and they should report any unwanted touching to the appropriate authorities. Unfortunately, no such signs appear at the Gay Pride Parade, and people seem to be wholly unaware that touching strangers in a sexual manner is completely inappropriate.

The area of DC that I live in is a nice, quiet residential neighborhood with a lot of families and children. The neighborhood also has a large gay population, and many of my neighbors are gay couples raising children. One of my favorite sights is when I see two men walking down the street, holding hands and pushing a baby in a stroller (There are lesbian parents on my block as well, but it's harder to identify them if you don't already know them, because it's much more socially acceptable and commonplace for two straight women to get together while walking their babies than it is for straight men to do the same. Should I assume that the men walking with the child are gay? Probably not. However, they more likely than not are a gay couple, so I make assumptions.).

I must say that two parts of the parade were especially enjoyable for me. The first unit was a group of gay parents and their children, the next was a group of parents of gay people. It was incredibly heartwarming to see these people show so much love and support for their families.

Next time, I plan on skipping the naked people portion of the parade, and only going for the family portion at the end.

Shomer Negiya

As if the past year hasn't given me enough reason to reject the concept that shomer negiya makes a relationship stronger (our worst times were when we were apart from each other), this article proves it from a scientific standpoint.

Promiscuous Girl

A recent conversation with a good friend who is, shall we say, much more conservative than I:

Me: I'm moving to New York, and trying to figure out what neighborhood to live in. Where do you live, again?

Friend: Washington Heights

Me: Do you like it?

Friend: It's a great community of singles and young married couples, I have fun here, I don't particularly like my roommates but that's okay, our lease ends in May and I'm looking for a new apartment. Hey, do you need a roommate?

Me: Actually, yes. But I should tell you something. I have a boyfriend who live a couple hours away from NY, he'll be visiting every so often and I'd want him to stay with me. I don't know if you're okay with that, but I just wanted to put everything out in the air.

Friend: Well, I think you know how I feel about that [I do, she would feel extremely uncomfortable]. But, you can always look for someone else who is comfortable with it, and if not, you can try to find a small one bedroom place and just live by yourself.

Me: Well, if everyone there is going to disapprove of my lifestyle, I'm not sure I want to live there.

And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. My beef with the Orthodox community. Or atleast, one of many beefs with it.

Side note: Was that correct usage of the term "beef"?

Exclusivity: Emotional and Physical

A conversation that comes up frequently between me and whoever will listen is the one about the blurry lines of shomer negiah relationships.

In a shomer relationship, there is no physical contact. The relationship is solely a verbal one. So the question arises, what differentiates an exclusive, shomer relationship with the relationship of a good friend? The typical answers given, such as "the mutual knowledge of each other's love/like/admiration", or "someone that will be a constant in your life" can apply equally to good friends and boyfriends. I have at least 5 guys in my life that fit that description. With a shidduch situation, the lines are less blurry, because both parties are dating with the expectation that if the relationship goes well, they will get married sooner rather than later. However, for many young-adults, marriage is not necessarily on the radar at the same time dating is.

The question can be expanded to ask, what constitutes cheating in a shomer relationship? Is talking to someone else a breach of trust? An extended conversation? Several extended conversations? Is it simply being emotionally attached to someone else?

I read an article recently about pornography, in which the author asked "Is porn adultery?". This article, not coming from a religous perspective in the least, said that perhaps it is, since although one is not physically giving of him or herself to the porn, they are idealizing the porn, becoming emotionally attached to an idea of a person. A letter to the editor was written in response in which a man said, "if my porn is adultery than my wife's romance novels should also be adultery, in that she becomes emotionally attached to a ficticious hero that real men could never live up to."

Apparently, this question does not only apply to people in shomer relationships. The New York Times recently wrote about it as well. The article made it's way to the top most-emailed article of the day when it came out. It discussed the new model for dating. Long ago, like in the 70s, people would go on a few dates, and if they liked each other, would get physical. Today, there is a much more prevalent "hook-up culture", and the model has shifted. Today, and I have seen this happen with multiple friends, people will hook-up with someone, usually an aquaintence, and if they like each other, they will date.

The question is, again, what changes from the hook-up stage to the dating stage? I suppose it's exclusivity, during the hook up stage it is totally OK to hook up with someone else, but during the dating stage, not so much. But really, it's more than that. When one is "in a relationship", there is an emotional bond that is just begining to be built during the hook-up stage. The bond is there, and it's meant for just the other.

There are several ways to approach this. One could say that perhaps exclusivity is purely emotional, in which case porn, romance novels, and extended conversations would all be taboo. On the other hand, one could say that it's purely physical, in which case there is no possibility for cheating in a shomer-negiah relationship. I like to think that, like in all matters, the answer lies somewhere in the middle. But now the hard question remains-where is the middle?