Facebook Enables Insecurity

Girls like to over-analyze. So do bloggers. Therefore, I can feel justified in falling into multiple stereotypes as I write the following.

Today, I noticed that despite the fact that my boyfriend and I currently live 4 hours away from each other and only have the chance to get together once a week at best, approximately 50% of the pictures tagged of me on facebook from this past year have him in it. That's grossly disproportional to the amount of time that I spend with him.

Why so many pictures of us together?

I recently read an article which reported on a study that found that people are happier with their relationship when they see pictures of them with their significant other. So perhaps that's it.

Another thought hit me tonight. I am going kayaking with him tommorow. While thinking about what to pack, I debated bringing a camera. Pros-kayaking pics are awesome. Cons-digital cameras are expensive to replace if damaged by water. Clearly the cons outweighed the pros on this. But I REALLY wanted to bring it. Why?? I have gone on a number of fun outings this summer with friends (strawberry picking, fourth of july fireworks, outdoor movie on the waterfront) where I felt no need to take pictures. But for some reason, outings with my boyfriend seem to necessitate picture taking.

Furthermore, what is my purpose in taking the pictures? Are they for me or for my friends? I certainly feel more of a push to publish my boyfriend pictures online than my friend pictures.

Could it be that I need to project how cute of a couple we are to the world? Am I that insecure with our relationship, that I need other people to see how happy we are? Do I need a reminder that my relationship is a happy one? Why isn't the knowledge that I did those things enough?

Am I so insecure in my relationship that I have to validate it by posting tons of pictures of me and my boyfriend? Have I really become THAT girl?

Alternate Personalities via Google

I Googled my name today. Among the people sharing my name were a registered nurse, a college volleyball player, a professor, and a woman with my first name who married a man with my last name and had six bridesmaids.

Sometimes I think that google is not just a search engine, it's a portal into alternate universes. What if I had pursued volleyball after my tenure as middle school captain of the varsity volleyball team? I may just be playing college ball now, with a full scholarship and everything. What if I hadn't been disuaded from the sciences when my 9th grade biology teacher made us watch Finding Nemo four different times throughout the year? I may have become a nurse, or even a doctor...

As I sit here sorting through the law school acceptance letters that have arrived, and wait eagerly by my e-mail inbox to hear from the others, I often ponder if the carreer I chose in 10th grade is the correct one. My roomate said the average American changes carreers 7 times in their lifetimes. Great, but I would like my starting carreer to NOT put me hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt just in time for me to realize that what I ACTUALLY want to do is something I could have gone in to straight out of college.

This is where the Google portal stops being useful. When I click on the names, I read about someone who is not me. I'd like a button that I can click next to any one of these alternate selves that says, 'how to get here'. It would tell me, in great detail, what to do to become that person, starting from where I am right now.

So, any of you computer nerds-up to the challenge??

On Relationships

I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over 9 months now. We are just starting to exit the honeymoon stage and are (trying to be) settling into the committed relationship stage. It's not easy. I routinely look back to how we were when we first started dating and think, how come we're not as cuddly or as giddy around each other as we used to be? Does he not like me as much as he used to? Why do we stay in waaay more than go out? Why does he not make an effort to impress me as much as he used to? Why do I no longer make an effort?

On the other hand, my roomate has been dating her boyfriend for about two years, on and off. They are very giddy around each other, very nauseatingly try to "sneak" carresses to each other, and talk about each other constantly. The on and off, I've started to realize, is important. My theory is that they never ACTUALLY move past the honeymoon phase, but, by virtue of the fact that they have actually been together for so long, effectively have entered the committed relationship phase as well.

They went out for about 6 months, started fighting, broke up, and several weeks later got back together. They have done this about four times. It seems that when the newness of the realtionship starts to wear off, they just break up and start over.

The rational part of me says my way is healthier, that we address problems, that we learn to work with each other instead of against each other. But the low-self esteem part of me that's constantly comparing myself to others says that they've caught hold of something important. They have, albeit by extreme means, learned to continuously ignite the spark that started their relationship. I hope that my boyfriend and I can learn to do this too, before it goes out all together.

Blogging Makes the World a Better Place

Just minutes after I posted my disgruntled post earlier today, things started turning around.

I found out that I didn't actually leave my wallet at home, rather, had thrown it not in my purse but in my backpack, which I had with me as well. And there was still time before the test to down my tall iced vanilla latte with skim milk. The one down side to this event was that the coffee bar had run out of caramel syrup, so I wasn't able to get my caramel macciato, but hey, caffeine and sugar is caffeine and sugar in any form.

I met with my Boss, who was very sympathetic to my plight and said the only reason she mentioned my absence was because she wanted to make sure I wasn't sick or otherwise incapacitated. I am sick, but that's not the point. She cares about me, and thinks I'm a fine employee.

I sat down to write my reasons for wanting to attend law school. Turns out, I have some pretty legit reasons. And also, apparently, I'm pretty darn good candidate if I do say so myself. My resume is overflowing with things I've done to be proactive in my community, and that's OBVIOUSLY something that will follow me in my law career.

I'm still unholy and dirty, but after a whole day of meetings and classes and talking with professors, I sort of seem to forget about it.

Also, and most importantly, I know I have yummy leftover carrot soup waiting for me at home.

Guilty Pleasures

Today, my english professor asked us to draw a picture of our bookshelves, and list what books were on them. Then she asked us to list the books that are not on our bookshelves, but would be on our ideal bookshelves. I made my lists, and while in general I am very pleased with my bookshelf, I deliberately left off some things that I didn't want to share with the class, for example, the first book of the Twilight series.

I didn't plan on reading Twilight. My reasoning was that if my fifth-grade students are reading it, the book couldn't be THAT stimulating, and it certainly won't be up to my intelligence level. I "broke" one Shabbos, while visiting a friend. I got bored of the textbook I had brought with me, and there was Twilight, sitting on her coffee table, asking to be read. It's pretty poorly written, but it's kinda like a Pringle-once you pop, you just can't stop. I have to find out what happens to poor Bella and Edward.

Tonight, I was folding laundry while watching TV on my computer. My roomate came in to ask me a question, and I quickly turned off the show. Partly, it was so I could hear what she was saying, but partly, it was because I did not want her to know I was watching "The Secret Life of The American Teenager". The show is TERRIBLE. The actors don't really act, the plot is completely ridiculous and it glorifies teen pregnancy. Still, it's a guilty pleasure. I have to watch because I want to know what happens-does the 15-year-old pregnant girl keep her baby or give it up for adoption? Does the father do as much as he says he will? What's going to happen with this new boyfriend? Suffice it to say that I don't watch much TV, because anytime I do, I get highly addicted.

Really, I shouldn't be embarrassed at my forms of relaxation. If I solely read books such as Twilight, or watched shows like "Secret Life", then I might have to start moving up to the next floor in the library. However, I'm comfortable with the amount of time I spend with these forms of entertainment. There's nothing wrong with going brainless for an hour or two. Still, I close the computer and edit my bookshelf, because at the end of the day, I'd prefer to be a closet light-brain than a known light-brain.

Seeing the Silver Lining

Last summer, I bought a new laptop. My old laptop was stolen out of the trunk of my car while I was on vacation in New Orleans (Incidentally, my father had actually expressed concern that I was going there specifically because he had heard that the crime rate is now especially terrible).

I loved my old laptop. It was a little big and bulky, but it did everything I needed, and it did it fast. It had all the cool, little features that I liked, like the fact that I could close it and it would automatically go into sleep mode, and then I could open it and it would wake up again. It had all my programs on it, which admittedly aren't many, but still, important. It had a lot of my music on it, and many of my pictures as well. The pictures weren't quite as big of an issue, since most of them were online or printed already, but still, they were there. Since it was the summer, I didn't any papers or things I was in the middle of working on that were lost, which was extremely lucky. In any case, it was a good lesson in the importance of backing up files. My new best friend is now my USB flash drive.

In any case, I had to buy a new computer. I shopped around, spoke to my brother, who is my go-to person when it comes to anything with a cord, and finally chose one I liked, that was in my price range, which was quite low, considering that my parents weren't helping me out ("This wouldn't have happened if you hadn't gone to New Orleans like we wanted").

The computer had everything I needed, and there was nothing noticeably wrong with it. But for some reason, it didn't feel like it was "mine" yet. I would type out my papers, do research online, do the facebook/email/onlysimchas procrastination thing, but it just didn't feel the same. The buttons weren't the same, the tabs weren't in the same places, and worst of all, it was Windows Vista, which I have learned is a horrid operating system.

It reminded me of something I heard in Seminary. Once a week, the head of Darchei Binah, Rabbi Kurland, would give a weekly talk. The class was officially called "Modern Halachik Problems", and to paraphrase the description of the class given to us on our first day, "Sometimes I [Rabbi Kurland] will talk about modernity, sometimes I'll talk about halacha, and sometimes I'll just talk about problems".

One week, around the halfway point of the year, he spoke about Getting All You Can Out of Your Time in Israel. He said that the year was half way over, and that it was time to embrace all that seminary offered. It was way past the time girls should have been rethinking their decisions. The "what ifs", he said, were the biggest reason why girls weren't happy. "What if I had gone to a different school?" "What if I didn't go to Israel at all?" The past was over and, at that point, it wasn't realistic to change. He went on to list things you COULD do, if you didn't feel you were getting everything you expected from seminary. Take different classes, put more effort into the classes you were already taking, make meetings with teachers, come over to his house, etc.

I didn't particularly like that speech, but I could feel him speaking straight to me. He was funny like that. Every single class of his I felt was tailor made for me. I wasn't too fond of Darchei Binah while I was there, and if I had it to do all over again I probably would have chosen a different school, but I learned a lot that year, and not just about "where I didn't want to be", which is what I told people who asked about it afterwards. I really do owe a lot to my teachers. I'm in the middle of preparing a Shavuos shiur on Rut, and I'm taking much of it from my seminary notes. My skills have multiplied, and I really believe that I have become a much more open-minded person due to my time at Darchei Binah.

It took me over two years to realize all that. I wonder if it's the same for my computer. It's been a year, and I still don't like my computer. It just doesn't feel like me. I don't know what a me computer feels like, but it doesn't randomly freeze when I spend too much time online, it doesn't take ten minutes to start up, and it doesn't block limewire (which I use for completely legal reasons, mind you ;) I don't know if in another year I'll look back at this computer and think, what a great laptop that was, but I hope so. I also hope it doesn't actually take a year.

On Not Being Able to Spend Money. Ever.

I have a confession to make.

I am a cheap Jew.

This may not surprise those of you who know me. You may have been frustrated with me when I got a glass of water when we went out for ice cream, or when I voted to rent a movie instead of drive to a theater, or when I buy off-brand groceries to save twenty cents. I apologize.

This is the way that I am, and I have [generally] learned to live with it.

I do very well on budgets. I feel like I have "won" if I am under budget.

I do not do well when I feel that money is being spent unnecessarily.

This is not a good character trait, especially when my roomate loves buying Bertolli pasta, Ben and Jerrys ice cream, Starbucks coffee, and Dannon yogurt. We started out buying groceries together. This did not last very long.

This is an even worse character trait when the money being spent is long term. Such as a student loan. Especially a loan that (I feel) is unnecessary.

I hate that my parents GIVE me money to spend on things like clothes, haircuts, and my car. They are not stingy at all, and many times tell me to get the top of the line (i.e. Get your car waxed twice a month, buy the fanciest clothes you can find for shabbos, spend the extra money to get the flight time that you want), yet also say that I will have to be the one to pay back my loans.

I don't WANT all these luxuries. I'd rather graduate debt free and not have a car. That's just not happening though. I "need" a car for when (2 or 3 times a semester) I drive to Baltimore. I "must" look nice l'kavod shabbos.

Last year, I was offered a full scholarship to Touro College, before I even applied. I thought about accepting it, briefly, but turned them down.

All things considered, I am MUCH happier here than I would be at Touro. It's not even a question in my mind.

I did, however, have a breakdown tonight about how much money I will have to pay back when I graduate, and I wasn't factoring in law school. It mad me think about Touro again.

I find my self repeating over and over "Beverly, you'd hate Touro. You would not learn anything there. Remember Darchei Binah? It's worse than that. Beverly, think about how happy you are at Maryland. Think, Beverly, Think!!"