I had a discussion today with some people, about 4 women and 3 men, about name changing. Long story short, 2 of the people in the group were dating each other, and got into their first argument over the issue. He adamantly hoped his wife would take on his name, she adamantly hoped her husband would not assume she would change her name. Interestingly, of the other 3 women at the table, all agreed that a woman shouldn't be forced to change her name, nor should it be assumed she would. Of the men, this guy and one other agreed that women should ideally change their names, and the third guy said he didn't assume his fiance will change her name (he is engaged to a very feminist woman, he's pretty feminist himself) but acknowledged he's probably in the minority among men.
One of the people said to me that this was indicative of a larger societal issue. I agree. It was so interesting to me to see the disconnect between the girls and the guys. I would guess that a majority of women have atleast considered whether or not to change their names when they get married, and much much fewer men have considered the issue.
I have a very simple solution to the societal issue. Women: refuse to date/marry men who don't want to acknowledge both of your heritages in your marriage.
We can change the way society views hyphenated names by ostracizing those who disagree with us. If this is an issue that many, many, women care about, and it involves marriage, it inherently involves many, many men, too. We can change them. I don't say that lightly. I know there will be men to whom hyphenating their name is an utterly despicable idea, and there are women who agree with those men. Good. Marry each other. But for the majority of women who are uncomfortable with a male-dominated marriage, and for the majority of men who are also uncomfortable with that, but won't admit it because of how they'd be viewed by society, force a change. It's simple, easy, and achievable. It can happen quickly.
Women, it's up to you. This is one place in feminism where the power to change is in the women's hands. Take advantage of that!
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Monday, May 03, 2010
Tuesday, February 02, 2010
Marriage, for the bazillionth time
I'm in the middle of reading Trouble, by Kate Christensen and Committed, by Elizabeth Gilbert. Both are about divorced women trying to make peace with marriage. In "Trouble", a woman decides to leave her husband after many years because, well, there's just no more passion left.
My first response was that this is a completely different mindset than the one I've grown up with. This woman seemed to be immature and selfish. I'm all for divorce if there's a necessary reason: abuse, arguing, unhealthy behaviors, etc. But lack of passion? Come on, tough it out. Don't do that to your husband or your daughter.
However, I've recently started to wonder if my views on this are archaic. Perhaps marriage should be about mutual benefit, and if one partner doesn't feel the benefit, they should leave. Perhaps having 3 or 4 divorces should become the norm. Maybe it's just a social stigma that should be done away with.
What's the purpose of marraige anyway? To provide a lifetime of commitment to each other? What happens when you no longer want to be committed. You fall out of love. Should you have to suffer the rest of your life because, well, you made a promise on your wedding day?
In Judaism, in order get divorced, the man must hand the women a bill of divorce. There is no way for the woman to get divorced if the man does not wish to do so. This has resulted in some women being "chained" into abusive, unhealthy marriages and unable to remarry. Many solutions have been proposed for this problem, and one idea is to simply not get married.
Is marriage becoming a thing of the past?
My first response was that this is a completely different mindset than the one I've grown up with. This woman seemed to be immature and selfish. I'm all for divorce if there's a necessary reason: abuse, arguing, unhealthy behaviors, etc. But lack of passion? Come on, tough it out. Don't do that to your husband or your daughter.
However, I've recently started to wonder if my views on this are archaic. Perhaps marriage should be about mutual benefit, and if one partner doesn't feel the benefit, they should leave. Perhaps having 3 or 4 divorces should become the norm. Maybe it's just a social stigma that should be done away with.
What's the purpose of marraige anyway? To provide a lifetime of commitment to each other? What happens when you no longer want to be committed. You fall out of love. Should you have to suffer the rest of your life because, well, you made a promise on your wedding day?
In Judaism, in order get divorced, the man must hand the women a bill of divorce. There is no way for the woman to get divorced if the man does not wish to do so. This has resulted in some women being "chained" into abusive, unhealthy marriages and unable to remarry. Many solutions have been proposed for this problem, and one idea is to simply not get married.
Is marriage becoming a thing of the past?
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
The Wedding Rant
Reasons I really don't like going to frum weddings:
-The groom gives the bride a ring and says "behold, you are now betrothed to me". The bride does nothing. She has no (public) say.
-Weddings are essentially a sale of women. This is most evident at Sephardic weddings, when the parents walk the the bride halfway down the isle, and then the groom comes to "claim his property" and accompany the bride for the other half.
-High heels are especially painful, both to wear and to be stepped on by.
-Frum women do NOT know how to circle dance, yet they pretend to by walking fastly in circles for a few minutes, untill becoming more interested in the man burning a ring of fire on their black hats.
-The kallah is brought to the men so that they can be mekayim the mitzvah of simchas kallah.
-Girls are expected to "out-fancy" each other, even if the resulting outfit looks hideous.
-Separate seating is just awkward.
-There's something about the immense number of perakim of tehillim being said by 17 and 18 year old girls that makes me want to cringe.
-The groom gives the bride a ring and says "behold, you are now betrothed to me". The bride does nothing. She has no (public) say.
-Weddings are essentially a sale of women. This is most evident at Sephardic weddings, when the parents walk the the bride halfway down the isle, and then the groom comes to "claim his property" and accompany the bride for the other half.
-High heels are especially painful, both to wear and to be stepped on by.
-Frum women do NOT know how to circle dance, yet they pretend to by walking fastly in circles for a few minutes, untill becoming more interested in the man burning a ring of fire on their black hats.
-The kallah is brought to the men so that they can be mekayim the mitzvah of simchas kallah.
-Girls are expected to "out-fancy" each other, even if the resulting outfit looks hideous.
-Separate seating is just awkward.
-There's something about the immense number of perakim of tehillim being said by 17 and 18 year old girls that makes me want to cringe.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Hishtadlut: Putting in Effort
"In Jewish tradition, it is believed that by preparing for a certain event, one helps the event come about. For example, many single people buy an article of clothing which they will use for their weddings in orders to help bring about that day. (This concept is called Hishtadlout)."
-From a facebook group for a tzipiyah.com event which invites everyone to join them at the Beit HaMikdash on Tisha B'av, with the coming of Mashiach.
Not quite. In my book, this concept is called voodoo, or depending on the perspective, planning in advance. I know a couple of girls who bought head scarves while they were in Israel, even though they weren't anywhere close to getting married, because they didn't know when the next time they would be back would be, and the scarves are much cheaper in Israel than in America.
Hishtadlut would be going out on dates, asking friends if they know anyone who'd be good for you, etc. Really, it's anything pro-active in finding someone to get married to. Buying a wedding veil won't help you find the right person. It's not pro-active in finding the right person, it's pro-active in planning the perfect wedding. But the person should come first.
Monday, March 19, 2007
L'hitaneg B'tanugim...L'Shadech HaBanot
From Rememberings by Pauline Wengeroff:
"Reb Layzer made almost as much from the shadchen
(matchmaking) business as from his school, with the
added advantage that matchmaking was usually
accompanied by a glass of whiskey...This business was
conducted Sataurday evening between mincha and
maariv, when the Jews of those days, rested after their
twenty-four hour respite from work, were in the mood
to speak of such things."
Sunday, December 03, 2006
What's Love Got To Do With It?
ונפש יהונתן נקשרה בנפש דוד ויאהבהו יהונתן כנפשו
(שמואל א א׃יח)
OK, this post is not going to talk about the implications of this posuk for the Gay/Lesbian community. Maybe I will discuss this in another post. When discussing this posuk with my chavrusa, we got into a discussion about what the Torah means by "ahava", or "love".
I decided that an interesting project would be to look at how "ahava" is used in various places in tanach, and see if I could draw a conclusion. What I found is really interesting.
There is a concept when learning tanach that if one wants to know what a word means, they should look to the first place that the root is used, and use that context as a guide.
The first place that the root א.ה.ב is used is Bereishis 22:2 :
וַיֹּאמֶר קַח-נָא אֶת-בִּנְךָ אֶת-יְחִידְךָ אֲשֶׁר-אָהַבְתָּ, אֶת-יִצְחָק, וְלֶךְ-לְךָ, אֶל-אֶרֶץ הַמֹּרִיָּה; וְהַעֲלֵהוּ שָׁם, לְעֹלָה, עַל אַחַד הֶהָרִים, אֲשֶׁר אֹמַר אֵלֶיךָ
"And He (God) said, 'Please take your son, your special one, THAT YOU LOVE, Yitzhak, and go for you to the land of the Mountain Moriah, and bring him up their as an oleh offering on one of the mountains which I will tell to you."
In the begining of this posuk, God is instructing Avram to bring his son as a sacrifice. Avram is confused, because he has two sons, and doesn't know which son God wants him to take. So God tells Avram to take his "special" son. But Avram's a good father, both of his sons are special to him. Then, God says "the son which you love" and it is this phrase that seperates Yitzhak from Yishmael.
The Torah is making pointing out that there is a distinction between that thinking of someone as "special" and actually loving them. In today's world, when we talk about "our special someone" we are referring to the one person we love more than anyone else. But, apparently, our view of love is not the same as the Torah's. Love is something more than just viewing someone as really special.
Besides for familial love, there is one other context in which the Torah talks about love. That is in the mitzvah of ahavas HaShem. The mitzvah is found in sefer Devarim 10:12
וְעַתָּה, יִשְׂרָאֵל--מָה יְהוָה אֱלֹהֶיךָ, שֹׁאֵל מֵעִמָּךְ: כִּי אִם-לְיִרְאָה אֶת-יְהוָה אֱלֹהֶיךָ לָלֶכֶת בְּכָל-דְּרָכָיו, וּלְאַהֲבָה אֹתוֹ, וְלַעֲבֹד אֶת-יְהוָה אֱלֹהֶיךָ, בְּכָל-לְבָבְךָ וּבְכָל-נַפְשֶׁךָ
Note that here, when the Torah tells us to love God, the phrase used is וּלְאַהֲבָה אֹתוֹ.
אַהֲבָה is a noun-love, as the thing love. But then what does וּלְאַהֲבָה mean? Technically, its, "And to love(noun) Him."
This is confusing. We see from sefer koheles that there is actually a verb-infinitive of ahava:
עֵת לֶאֱהֹב וְעֵת לִשְׂנֹא
(Koheles 3:8)
Why can't the Torah also use the word לֶאֱהֹב? Obviously, God wants to teach us about what real love is, and what it is not. Love is not simply having much affection for something. When we say "I love chocolate brownies" we are not actually using love in the right way. There's no doubt that Yaakov had ALOT of affection towards Yishmael. In todays terms, it would be called love. Yaakov loved Yishmael dearly. But, not according to the Torah.
So what can the Torah mean by "love"?
The answer, I believe, can be found in last weeks parsha, when the word ahava is used once again:
וַיַּעֲבֹד יַעֲקֹב בְּרָחֵל, שֶׁבַע שָׁנִים; וַיִּהְיוּ בְעֵינָיו כְּיָמִים אֲחָדִים, בְּאַהֲבָתוֹ אֹתָהּ
"And Yaakov worked for (or "with") Rachel seven years, and they were in his eyes like a few days, in his love(noun) for her"
Yaakov's whole focus, while in the house of Lavan, was Rachel. He worked seven whole years just to be able to marry her. Everyday when Yaakov went out to work, he knew the only reason he was doing it was for Rachel. He put up with Lavan for 14 years just to be able to marry Rachel. Yaakov's whole life's focus at the point was Rachel. Yaakov was "in love" with Rachel because everything he did, he did for her.
This is what I think the Torah is telling us love is. Love, true love, is when your whole life's focus is the object of your love. Thats why Ahavas Hashem is a noun. It's not a simple action. One can not just bring a korban and say, "OK, now I've fulfilled the mitzvah of ahavas Hashem" and then check it off his list. It doesn't work like that. To love God means your whole life is dedicated to God. Everything that one does, they do for God.
This is what distinguished Avram's relationship with Yishmael and Yitzhak. Sure, Avram adored Yishmael. He had alot of affection for him. It's only natural-Yishmael IS his SON, afterall. But the difference is posterity. Deep down, Avram knows that eventually, Yitzhak is going to be the one to continue the family legacy. Avram, as much as he may "love" Yishmael, knows that his life's work of spreading the idea of Torah Monotheism will be continued not by Yishmael, but by Yitzhak, the son that he loves.
(שמואל א א׃יח)
OK, this post is not going to talk about the implications of this posuk for the Gay/Lesbian community. Maybe I will discuss this in another post. When discussing this posuk with my chavrusa, we got into a discussion about what the Torah means by "ahava", or "love".
I decided that an interesting project would be to look at how "ahava" is used in various places in tanach, and see if I could draw a conclusion. What I found is really interesting.
There is a concept when learning tanach that if one wants to know what a word means, they should look to the first place that the root is used, and use that context as a guide.
The first place that the root א.ה.ב is used is Bereishis 22:2 :
וַיֹּאמֶר קַח-נָא אֶת-בִּנְךָ אֶת-יְחִידְךָ אֲשֶׁר-אָהַבְתָּ, אֶת-יִצְחָק, וְלֶךְ-לְךָ, אֶל-אֶרֶץ הַמֹּרִיָּה; וְהַעֲלֵהוּ שָׁם, לְעֹלָה, עַל אַחַד הֶהָרִים, אֲשֶׁר אֹמַר אֵלֶיךָ
"And He (God) said, 'Please take your son, your special one, THAT YOU LOVE, Yitzhak, and go for you to the land of the Mountain Moriah, and bring him up their as an oleh offering on one of the mountains which I will tell to you."
In the begining of this posuk, God is instructing Avram to bring his son as a sacrifice. Avram is confused, because he has two sons, and doesn't know which son God wants him to take. So God tells Avram to take his "special" son. But Avram's a good father, both of his sons are special to him. Then, God says "the son which you love" and it is this phrase that seperates Yitzhak from Yishmael.
The Torah is making pointing out that there is a distinction between that thinking of someone as "special" and actually loving them. In today's world, when we talk about "our special someone" we are referring to the one person we love more than anyone else. But, apparently, our view of love is not the same as the Torah's. Love is something more than just viewing someone as really special.
Besides for familial love, there is one other context in which the Torah talks about love. That is in the mitzvah of ahavas HaShem. The mitzvah is found in sefer Devarim 10:12
וְעַתָּה, יִשְׂרָאֵל--מָה יְהוָה אֱלֹהֶיךָ, שֹׁאֵל מֵעִמָּךְ: כִּי אִם-לְיִרְאָה אֶת-יְהוָה אֱלֹהֶיךָ לָלֶכֶת בְּכָל-דְּרָכָיו, וּלְאַהֲבָה אֹתוֹ, וְלַעֲבֹד אֶת-יְהוָה אֱלֹהֶיךָ, בְּכָל-לְבָבְךָ וּבְכָל-נַפְשֶׁךָ
Note that here, when the Torah tells us to love God, the phrase used is וּלְאַהֲבָה אֹתוֹ.
אַהֲבָה is a noun-love, as the thing love. But then what does וּלְאַהֲבָה mean? Technically, its, "And to love(noun) Him."
This is confusing. We see from sefer koheles that there is actually a verb-infinitive of ahava:
עֵת לֶאֱהֹב וְעֵת לִשְׂנֹא
(Koheles 3:8)
Why can't the Torah also use the word לֶאֱהֹב? Obviously, God wants to teach us about what real love is, and what it is not. Love is not simply having much affection for something. When we say "I love chocolate brownies" we are not actually using love in the right way. There's no doubt that Yaakov had ALOT of affection towards Yishmael. In todays terms, it would be called love. Yaakov loved Yishmael dearly. But, not according to the Torah.
So what can the Torah mean by "love"?
The answer, I believe, can be found in last weeks parsha, when the word ahava is used once again:
וַיַּעֲבֹד יַעֲקֹב בְּרָחֵל, שֶׁבַע שָׁנִים; וַיִּהְיוּ בְעֵינָיו כְּיָמִים אֲחָדִים, בְּאַהֲבָתוֹ אֹתָהּ
"And Yaakov worked for (or "with") Rachel seven years, and they were in his eyes like a few days, in his love(noun) for her"
Yaakov's whole focus, while in the house of Lavan, was Rachel. He worked seven whole years just to be able to marry her. Everyday when Yaakov went out to work, he knew the only reason he was doing it was for Rachel. He put up with Lavan for 14 years just to be able to marry Rachel. Yaakov's whole life's focus at the point was Rachel. Yaakov was "in love" with Rachel because everything he did, he did for her.
This is what I think the Torah is telling us love is. Love, true love, is when your whole life's focus is the object of your love. Thats why Ahavas Hashem is a noun. It's not a simple action. One can not just bring a korban and say, "OK, now I've fulfilled the mitzvah of ahavas Hashem" and then check it off his list. It doesn't work like that. To love God means your whole life is dedicated to God. Everything that one does, they do for God.
This is what distinguished Avram's relationship with Yishmael and Yitzhak. Sure, Avram adored Yishmael. He had alot of affection for him. It's only natural-Yishmael IS his SON, afterall. But the difference is posterity. Deep down, Avram knows that eventually, Yitzhak is going to be the one to continue the family legacy. Avram, as much as he may "love" Yishmael, knows that his life's work of spreading the idea of Torah Monotheism will be continued not by Yishmael, but by Yitzhak, the son that he loves.
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